My two persona's: Bunny and I

First month anniversary with Andrew

2012-02-06T17:20:00.001-08:00

He wants to do something for it, it is on the 11th of this month, I won’t be off work until 930pm on that night but he still would like to do something. He is the sweetest guy I have ever known. So I decided sense its customary to give gifts (even though V-day is right around the corner and I bought him and I tickets for his gift) I thought I would so something sweet, and inexpensive to show him I care that we made it to a month so far. In his room he has a photo copy of his hand, lol, he told me he “high fives it” when he wants to get pumped before work or the day (yes this is my boyfriend haha). So I thought, that I would take a photo of my mouth (which he loves) puckering up in some red lipstick, I sent it to target to be printed in a 5x7 (which only cost me 1.50 or so maybe less) I am going to the craft store where ever and get some scrapbook paper with a cool design on it (which will be under 50 cents for one) and I will buy a simple 8x10 frame for it plain black. I will put the photo towards the bottom, and I will write him a little message on the top portion of the paper… something sweet like “Kiss me every day to bring a smile to your heart and face” something cute he can put up on his wall by his “high five hand” … I hope he likes it, and if I know him which I am starting too I think he will like it. : ) ..I hope he doesn’t read this but I wonder how do you tell someone that you have only been seeing for a month, that you think you are … is it possible that you might be… falling for them? Like, I mean… in… you know, *sigh* the big L word.. I am kind of concerned I mean I started getting this feeling 2 dates ago and it has yet to go away, it just gets bigger and each time I kiss him I want to tell him but I feel like it might freak him out, because it does me a little.. What do I do? What is there to do… accept it and hope he does not think I am insane I suppose.

2012-02-02T22:28:00.001-08:00

So for those of you who know, I have had a lot of things happen pain wise, and doctors would always prescribe me viccoden for it. Which it did help, but after a while it stops helping and your tolerance goes up. Well I have hit this point, and I know that even though I havnt been using it for years, like some people there will be a detox period once I stop which is tonight. It doesn’t help the pain, chiropractor helps but not for long, so I will be talking to my doctor about some alternative methods because I don’t really like taking this crap anyhow. I am slightly nervous because I reading the symptoms for detoxing from it and it says it causes anxiety which I used to have and have sense gotten rid of! So, pray that it doesn’t cause this. I will start up on some Ibphrophen and I have been icing my neck, so that should help with the headaches. It says it only takes 4/5 days and it might be even less because I have not had it as long. But I will do this tomorrow and then make an appointment for Monday, or Tuesday with my doctor and see what he has to say about it, maybe I can get an xray or something and see whats going on in there.I think everything will be peachy I am just a little worried that detoxing will be super hard, but nothing that a young person like I cant handle right? Also need to get back to the dentist because I have had some pain in my back tooth, she needs to do a root canal ew.

Meeting the Parents

2012-01-31T14:08:00.001-08:00

I met his parents last night, and went to his house for the first time. He acted like I already should know my way around his house, haha it was kind of cute. Ok, so I don’t want to freak anyone out but I am pretty happy right now and its nice. It is pretty weird I feel really at ease with him like we have been doing this for a while already, like I already know him well enough and it hasn’t hit the month mark yet. Should this freak me out a little? Does, this freak me out a little. Yea, Kind of; I mean I would have to be insane for it not to just a little, but you know what? I chose to live, and not give a damn what society deems as appropriate time for dating, everyone is different. Hell, in the 20’s or 50’s we would be married by now. (Ok, just to clarify I am using it as an example and I in no way think that is what I want right now it is NOT) kay. Im just saying that it is a dramatic difference from today’s standards where someone will live with their person for 10 years before they consider them for marriage or something like that. I mean what the hell is the big deal anyway?Move at your own pace, slow, fast, not moving at all whatever, who cares what the majority is as long as it works for you, and it is good, and makes you happy and smile, who gives a shit? I sure don’t. I just had to say that, and now I am going to gush just a little because I don’t really have anyone to tell. I feel so very just, happy. I can’t remember when I have felt this way in a long time and its great. Every time I think something has to go wrong, and I am constantly proven wrong by him, I think he will say one thing and he goes the other direction. I meet the parents, they were really sweet his mom was pretty cute she was talking about the crime rate going down in long beach due to less murders, and then we talked about dead bodies.. haha only me right? He makes me very, frustrated every time he kisses me I look around at the area trying to figure out where I can possibly shove him so he can take advantage of me, or me him and I have to control that urge a lot. I think I do a good job, lol.Im going to take a hot shower I have a cirque du solie show tonight in Santa Monica with Natalie called OVO I have been waiting for sense December. I am so excited! It is so on..

2012-01-30T16:06:00.001-08:00

Things have been pretty great for the New Year, and most of it has to do with this amazing guy I met at a party. We have been dating for a little over three weeks, and Saturday morning after dace party he asked me to be his girlfriend. Wow- we both are a little in sensory overload at the moment, he told me that every time he thinks this thing we have is going to fast he talks to me, or kisses me and it all makes sense to him. I feel the same way, it’s weird everyone else only see’s that we are in a relationship quickly, but what they don’t see is that we don’t care what they see, it’s fun. He makes me smile, and laugh and he makes me feel really great about myself and life. After a little talking, he said he would like me to meet his parents, so I guess that is happening possibly tonight before dinner and ice cream. He cant wait to see me, as much as I cant wait to see him it is a very nice feeling.With noel, I always felt like he was only seeing me because I wanted to, and he always made me feel crappy for being excited about it. I don’t want to have to hide my feelings for fear it will freak someone out I want to be honest and open. So this is what it is like to be in an adult relationship, I have to say I like it. What else? School is going great, work not so much they cut my hours to 24, which is horrible there is not a lot I can do about it right now though. Lelani still is not really in my life much anymore, and I guess I have given up on the hope that she wouldn’t continue to be my best friend, which sucks.

Chocolate dipped Twinkie!!

2012-01-25T02:00:00.000-08:00

I have been seeing someone new for the past three weeks, and each time we go out on a date, or hangout I find I laugh more, I get drawn in more to the conversation and I just like being around him, he makes me feel good about myself, he makes the days a little brighter and my smile come out more often. I also came to a realization that has him to thank for it, most of the guys I was seeing before the last 4 years or so I have been settling because I didn’t think I would find someone as interested in me as I was them, someone who wasn’t commitment phobic, someone who was cute and funny, someone who wanted to go out who paid me complements and just is nice to be around.------I am not stressed when I am hanging out with him and it is nice, sometimes I forget that it has only been 3 weeks, 4 dates total so far. :P I wasn’t stressed but I was slightly worried about going to this party Friday with him, where all my friends and his friends will be. Seeing how we are newly dating, we haven’t really told anyone we are and I will be drinking (because he won’t be and is letting me drink and being amazing) I get flirty and Kissy when I drink, and I was worried he would not want people knowing that we were seeing each other. This is something that I have come a crossed in the past where they guy I am seeing doesn’t want to tell anyone. But, he said he wouldn’t mind if they knew that we were dating, and it lightened my apprehension. It is really nice, to find someone who likes being around me and showing me off, and just not caring what others think.------ I was joking and was like “well I will just kiss some other guy then” and he was like “ no please don’t, I wouldn’t want to see that.. I mean you can date other people but…” I told him that I wasn’t dating other people, which is true. I don’t really want to date other people I like being with him. I know he wants to take things slow, and I am alright with that I just enjoy being around him, why would I go off and find someone else? He is adorable, has an amazing upper body oh my gosh, and most of all what I like the most.. Is that he makes me laugh, all the time. It is something that I have missed. I can’t wait to give him my gift for that day which I won’t tell him where we are going or for what day yet on Friday… I hope he thinks its adorable and cute and likes it a lot… and says yes.Oh also, I had a chocolate dipped twinkie from rocky mountain chocolate factory he had fudge... OMG so good!

The Bunny I crave to be & The number

2012-01-19T01:56:00.000-08:00

I have not been of the bunny mind set truly in a while. I feel like it is lost inside of me waiting for the right person to bring me out of my bunny hole again. I recently ended dating someone who did not bring that side of me out, and I think that is why the connection was not there for me. I like being sassy and cute, and bringing bunny out to play more than once in a while. I want things, which I have not been getting.I don’t know if they guy I have met will be the one or anything, I am not saying we will end up being exclusive or fall in love, or any of the above. BUT, I already feel like he is someone I can really be myself with. We have hung out twice, and are 2nd date is tomorrow night. We have been talking on the phone, and through text sense last Friday when we met. He is my age, has a good job and is cute. I was worried initially about telling him, vanilla him… That I was a pet, that this is something my body and heart craves to be, so I got it over with 2 days ago. He wasn’t freaked out, he had questions for me and admitted he had not tried anything of that nature, but still he was interested in knowing all of me, so he was interested in what I like about it as well. Then he said something that took me so off guard, and put the biggest smile on my face. “So, Can I pet you in public then?” –Him “You want to pet me…?” –me “Yea, I would like to pet you”—him. All my stressing, and he already is very receptive to my needs without me asking him to do it. I love it when a man strokes my hair, scratches behind my ears caresses me. Most of the time I cannot get someone to do this for more than a random “pat on the head” once and a while to “please me”. Will this be the start of something good in my life? Also, I watched a new movie “What’s your number?” about how many people this girl has slept with and number 20 being the last one before your destine to be alone if you have not found him by then… I wrote down my number, and it shocked me that it was so high it is at 18. I have slept with 18 men, and am only 26 and im sure will add more, and possibly have forgotten one or two guys so more than likely I am already at 20. Wow, I never thought I would get into the twenty’s. I mean, I am alright with it, but still shocks me.

Day 1 of working out again

2012-01-13T12:22:00.001-08:00

Started working out today and I actually found something I can do easily with little pain to my wrist or back, it is a dancing type of workout, I am just starting off slow getting into it with her 10min workout at first she has other videos right now my goal is my stomach so I am sticking with this first one, I will do it once a day until I get used to it then use it as a warm up to another one of her workouts and combine them. I wasn’t winded or anything that’s not the issue I have the stamina to do it my mussels are just weak from lack of doing it, and I have to be cautious about my neck and wrist, so I want to see how this effects it ending it on Friday and seeing if anything has improved or gotten worse.. 10 mins? Right before work in the early afternoon not like super early in the morning Its nice!Talked to Andy, he called me before I Started and it seems we are both looking for the same thing, nothings out of the question if it happens it does, whatever. And that works for me, I guess he just got out of a relationship and I made it clear that I was not into being the rebound. He said he wasn’t looking for that, and if I felt it was going that way we could figure it out. Fine with me  Im seeing him Friday, Im excited he’s a cutie.Off to work!

Last Year, This new Year, Next Year

2012-01-13T00:54:00.000-08:00

Last Year was a very bad year for me, and the year before my grandmother passed away. So the past two years have been crappy. I vowed after a less then climactic end to 2011 (even though I did spend it with a great friend, whom I adore) that I would make 2012 a great year, no matter what. I have noticed that I have started to get into a very bad habit, and I have come to realize why I have slipped into it. I was depressed simply enough. None of my relationships had worked out (There were 3 of them I wouldn’t consider any of them relationships which was one of the issues anyhow) My brother kept making life harder at home for my grandpa, and the person who I considered at one point to be my best friend pretty much doesn’t talk to me much anymore. Ok, She doesn’t hang out with me, and when we do get to hangout not for very long, or boyfriend is invited, or someone else. Yet My friend Natalie, who lives an hour away from me has made more effort to hang out at least once a week then she has, and she is five minutes away from me. She doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life anymore, I haven’t been to her house constantly as I used to I enjoyed hanging with her family they become your family as time goes along. Yet, it is slowly fading into a friendship like most of the people I gave up a long time ago. I see them on occasion; get a little face time and nothing to serious and then it’s back to our separate lives. It used to be not so separate, and honestly it really sucks. So, I have been depressed because of that, mainly and then relationships secondly.Regardless of that, I find that with work and being depressed I got into very bad eating habits, school works online so that’s not exercise and then because of my neck and wrist I couldn’t work out like I used to. I gained a few pounds I am not happy with, the bottom is still the same, I’m still an 18 but they fit snug instead of loose now, which pisses me off I worked hard for it. So, it’s now the star of a new year and I am finally realizing that this has happened and now I need to change it because it is the cause of my depression now haha… funny how that works. Honestly it may be like 5 pounds 8 tops but if I lose 10 I will be good just to get back to exactly where I was before because I was finally happy there. So I told myself (even though I know if I don’t get enough sleep tonight I will talk myself out of getting up in the morning) That I will try to find a low impact way to work out, and make sure I start making my dinners for work again, like I used to. No more peer pressure at work from the guys to eat out, I need to be strong! It is for me, and it has always been for me that if I don’t feel good in my own body then I won’t be fully happy, and able to give someone more than just that standard, I want to go beyond it. Maybe it will take a few months, If I work at it I can get my goal I hope in no more than 2 months. I am really going to start working on this I feel like crap, my energy is really low all the time although they say that could be maybe something else.Whatever it is, it needs to change I was feeling so good for a while and now I am back to this crap like before and I can almost guarantee half of it is because of all the red meat and fast food, gross. No more lol. Damn work.

Blush :)

2012-01-12T14:13:00.001-08:00

I said that I wanted to go out with someone new, and look what happens my first kiss of 2012 occurs what, 11 days after New Year’s eve? And it was a very nice kiss *Blush* I have to say that one of the things I miss about the start of dating or seeing someone, is the nervous, blushy behavior, the getting to know someone and testing boundary’s and so forth. He asked if we could do that again sometime soon, without the bar craziness of karaoke (which we still had a lot of fun doing) And I said yes of course. I used to think that Noel would be the hardest person that I would have to get over, and I think that although it was hard, the harder part was in fact Anthony who I dated for a year. But as I look back on 2011, well that’s just it. I don’t want to look back on it anymore I just want to look forward.Will Andy think I am weird? Because some of the things I like are nowhere near the normal… Yet, what really is normal these days? I mean I am a pet for goodness sake, will he think that’s … creepy? I hope not. Is he completely vanilla or does he have some knowledge of what I like? These are things I have to think about because I like them so much they are a part of me just like someone’s limbs they are another extension of me… Bunny me, is not just a faze, it’s something I really enjoy.I don’t know if I will tell him or when (If we hangout more than a few times I will have to tell him) But if that Kiss is any indication of the hanging out to come… I will have to say something. *Blush* He actually made me nervous, and I stumbled when I spoke a little, I also blushed (it was dark don’t think he noticed thank god!) When he said He was glad that I gave him my number. Its nice having this feeling again, I missed it.

Blush

2012-01-09T21:58:00.001-08:00

I went to the Capricorn party Friday night at Hamres house got there around 1030 left about 130a. It was nice got to see old friends and make two new friends. I talked to this one guy, Andy most of the night I found him to be funny, cute in a silly goofy way. He didn’t ask for my number so I sent it to him via fb. And left it up to him.He called me tonight, and asked if I wanted to hangout soon I said yes of course : ) I am pretty stoked he seemed really nice. He lives in Long Beach. Well we are going to try for Wednesday night karaoke I need to look super cute! Oh wait, too late! Haha kidding.I also have a lunch date around 12 that same day with a guy named Robert, I usually don’t have two in one day but I am not dating either so I think it is alright. For now.

New Toy Ideas

2012-01-04T14:45:00.001-08:00

I have become invested in making this year a very good year even if I don’t have someone to share it with. I want to make new toys, maybe even one day I will sell them on the side and make some extra money who knows. I would like to perfect my riding crops and sell those, I just need to make them feel heavier because a few people do not like that they are petite which I do, because they are easier to hide away and they still pack a very good sting.I have a few ideas for a hanging candle wax drip toy and then possibly make a portable one as well. This will be a toy that you can use with your dom, sub, pet or slave as well as by yourself when you don’t have someone to play with and you want that same feeling. Well I have a trip to homedepo tonight so I will get some things and come up with a rough idea take some pictures and post them when I have it. I think that I could sell these with the right ideas it might be fun to do. That of course wouldn’t be until later down the road I could design a website (well Id have someone else do that) We will see.. I have to use my artist flare some place right? Even if it is just for friends why not do it I would have fun doing it, and I really enjoyed making my bench but that is more for me less for them haha.. I need a way to hide my toys, my grandfather saw the bench and asked what it was and I couldn’t tell him of course, lol. It is hard not having my own place.

Bunny wants to play

2012-01-02T00:24:00.001-08:00

Sitting next to you my inner bunny screams to get out and play because I know its bad, and it is bad because it will feel so good, dirty and hot. I feel like being bad, I feel like making this year the best year the past few have not been so grand. Is it wrong? That I can be so primal sometimes and not even care about the feelings involved, sometimes I just want someone to understand me sexually, sometimes it is not about the relationship but the dirty, filthy, sexy things we can do to each other behind closed doors. Who cares who we are outside of those doors? Who cares what we do for work and how we are with our friends or family, behind those doors we are only looking to make our bodies experience the sheer pleasure of climax.I want to have fun, I want to have some all American dirty fun. And I think its about goddamn time. Im going to make this happen.

Ending 2011

2011-12-30T10:57:00.001-08:00

After a long shower, a very hot one I have cleared my mind, and as much of my heart as one hot shower can. Ha-ha. As to my previous post, I realize and this is hard for me not to do it is in my nature to constantly look into my past, rights or wrongs I keep looking back and I have yet to really look towards my future. It isn’t going to be that bad, my future and I need to keep telling myself that. Even if the worst things come to pass eventually it will pass and I will get over it or go on with life as I have always done.I am looking at it this way, the reason I am ending 2011 single is because I have not found that perfect moment with my perfect person. Weather he be imperfect in life or not, with me he will always be perfection. So, I guess I can wait for a little perfection then can’t I? : )

Lost in memorys

2011-12-30T09:04:00.001-08:00

I couldn’t sleep last night, So when I finally drifted away at around 5am, after hours of tossing anf turning I had a dream. I was staying at this house, there were many people around, It was almost like an Inn you could say. I was a long traveler and speaking with two older ladies in their room or was it the dinning area, I couldn’t quit figure it out, they were in beds I was in between the beds yet there were people around us.I finish talking and walk through the room past an area with small white round tables, children and other people and there is this man sitting there with a few people, shoulder length blond/brown hair, glasses medium build taller than I but not too tall. I walk past get to the other door way and stop. Is it him? I walk past the tables again to get a better look and he gets up and walks towards me, It looks like him until he gets close to me, his face older, a beard a look of un-interest on his face he looks at me and keeps walking.There was more to the dream but nothing else seem to matter when I woke up again at 7am, 7 30am its all I could think about. When he and I were dating it was amazing I thought we would be together forever. He asked me to marry him, and I freaked out and ended it after 2 years of only wanting to be his. Of course this comes after a lot of different things… I keep wondering after failed relationship after another was that my chance for a family? For love for something greater than this? Did I fuck it up? Like I have been doing for the past I don’t know 3 years 4 years? I loved him, deeply. Now I don’t know if this is just me being lonely or me missing him but regardless it sucks. My dreams his face is but a passing figment of my imagination, how I saw him.

Am I the Only Old-fashioned romantic left?

2011-12-20T02:42:00.000-08:00

Two weeks off of school and what is it that I want to do? School work! Hehe.. I want to just get some of it done so I have it ahead of time, get my final project started for my ethics class I think now would be a great time. I finished all my Christmas shopping today with Lelani I spent way too much money but hey, I think it is worth it. I got a bit sassy with my boss today and I felt bad about it, but he was asking me to switch my day off as I was having my day off, and I just wanted to have my day off. No one bothers Gary when he has his, but I have to cover shifts or switch hours I am very flexible and usually do as they ask. But I just didn’t want to deal with it today, so I gave him a little attitude which I shouldn’t have done I did apologize for it and I still feel like crap I really like him… Hopefully my cookie Christmas present will make up for my sassiness. End of talking about work/boss onto others.----On another note about dashing... I wonder if he hates me. I was not very nice to him when I wrote to him a few days ago and I feel bad but it needed to be said. I tried to tell him when we had coffee but I couldn’t get the words out, I was feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed already and then that conversation just brought other feelings up again, ones that I didn’t want brought up again unless it was him professing his desire to ask me on a real date (which will never happen in my life, and I have come to terms with this fact). But a girl can dream right?Someone asked me what my perfect type was, and when I explained it they laughed at me and this was the second person to do so. It made me feel bad is what I want that crazy? I don’t think it is and that is all that ultimately matters. My favorite book/movie everything is Pride and Prejudice and actor Colin Firth. Firth plays Mr. Darcy in the first remake of the BBC version of the book which of course is my favorite version of the movie I have yet to own, I only have the BBC version currently. Anyhow, Mr. Darcy is my type, not the rich part… But the everything else part, the stubborn, serious, honest, someone you can count on, deep attachment … He is my type. The gentleman, yet behind closed doors he is very much passionate (he shows his passion differently outside of the bedroom) which he also has it is just more reserved, but you can tell he has it by how worked up he gets when talking about, or defending whatever it is he is passionate about.I guess Im crazy to think that in this world where girls ask men out, and make the first move, take men out on dates or don’t want them holding doors open for them, or calling them or bringing flowers on a first date that I might find this old-fashioned guy, in a world of all this independent, new age thinking. There has to be someone like me out there in the world, craving someone like him … I can’t be the only one left.

Sexually explicit information

2011-12-15T21:20:00.001-08:00

There are few things I need right now, one of them is sex. If this is too much information I would advise to stop reading now so you don’t hear something you don’t want to because I am going to get detailed.----------------------- I have a high sex drive, a very high sex drive. I think about sex probably just as much as any guy does, if not more. I maybe have sex once a month if I am lucky, and it sucks. The problem is I could have more but I am not into one night stands, and I am picky because I want to make sure anyone I sleep with is clean, and so forth. It is hard for me to get off sexually, as it is for most girls. I have been missing someone lately, The last three guys I have seen, no one has wanted to go down, there.. lol oral sex for me. I always do it for them, but they never want to return it to me. This sucks, this is something I have been really wanting and as a girl it is hard enough for me to get off then you’re not going to try and make it fun for me too? I’m starting to think I should cut out the giving and hold out for some of my own, I mean maybe I should be as selfish as they are being. Lol *sigh* it sucks.

2011-12-14T19:06:00.000-08:00

What is this... Dump on Bunny day? My school tells me they didn't get my taxes so they cant give me my student loan and i have to come up with over 2 grand to pay for school or no school. Then I go to coffee and that's a disaster here i thought it was going to be a pleasant coffee but no i end up crying, great what i wanted to do was cry in front of him again. I cant do this anymore, I cant do it.

Rabbit ears ..

2011-12-14T03:36:00.000-08:00

So something I don’t talk about much here is the fact that i am a pet, and I chose to identify with a rabbit so my friends whom know this call me Bun (as in bunny of course) This is a fetish, and although I do not live it 24/7 it is something I really enjoy and love. It is not a sexual thing for me, as it is not for most pets... And I am not a furry; please don’t even call me that I will be offended. All questions are welcome. I have made a set of ears, and had a tail (starter) that I have worn at a few fairs, but I found these through fetlife in a group chat about different pet things and I fell in love… They are so expensive *sigh* I wish I could afford a set of ears/tail! If I had my own, I would want a red set, with a cream inner ear... (Red being the main outer color of course) or a white ear, with maybe a cream inner ear as well… This is my dream… Maybe I will find a way to make my own version of them… I don’t know though, Also I finished my bench I will post pictures of it later. Tomorrow I will work on staining my first home-made wooden paddle… I will post those pictures as well. I think I will re-do the look and feel of my blog, I feel like it is time for a change.On another note, I officially well “we” officially Ben and I ended out “dating” relationship and have decided to be friends and are both very alright with that, there is just a chemistry that is missing from our relationship that makes our personalities clash. It is great for a friendship which we will continue to have, just not a boyfriend girlfriend, or pet of him type of relationship. We had a nice conversation before and after we saw the new Muppet movie tonight (hearts loved it!) Both work and school have been going well, and I have the next two days off.Basically I have come to the realization that it is ok if I move on to an extent and see people, date and still hold hope for my Dashing back inside my heart. Because the feelings I have when I am with him to me, are to important to just throw aside, even if nothing ever comes of it at least it will be mine to have.

A Tame version of my feelings..

2011-12-11T01:41:00.001-08:00

After hes gone and slept with all the girls that aren’t me, will I want him around me? What does it feel like, when someone you like pretty much tells you that they aren’t ready for something but if they were they don’t want it with you because you are old, they want someone new. Ouch right? He said that to me once. I should be better than this. I should have more respect for myself than to miss him but I still fucking miss him and this is the only way I can talk myself out of seeing him or re-adding him to facebook is to write about it however much I need to write about it. No one has to read this, this is for me. So they can stop whenever they want but I can talk as much as I want until I feel better. I told him I loved him once, and I think that was my mistake. I wrote it and I should have saved it and just told him. But how do you tell the boy that you have been in love with for 7 years that you do without being scared shitless of them not loving you back? You don’t and you let fear stand in your way. Well at least I told him, even if it was a letter and not in person so he knows. I thought it would be the hardest thing I have ever done, and it wasn’t. The hard part is to see the person your heart longs for in the arms of someone who is not you. That is what stings. And there is not anything I can do about it, but accept loss of that person in that way. The last guy I loved was Adam and I was engaged to him and we dated for 2 years.I have a lot of things I miss about seeing noel in that way, and a lot of things I do not miss about how that all went about. But one memory I truly loved was getting to spend Valentine’s Day with him and my best friend. That was the perfect night; with the perfect people I wish I had more moments like that one. One thing I always wondered but id never say out loud is why does he sketch everyone around me but never me? Maybe I am just not very sketch worthy or not doing something entirely interesting. But if he would just look into my eyes, maybe he would see that there’s something there after all. They always speak to him endlessly his.

noel

2011-12-10T01:30:00.001-08:00

Ok.. so maybe even though it wasnt as bad as i though it would be seeing him with someone else.. it still made me want to punch a bitch.that is all

Getting our Tree on the morrow

2011-12-08T22:53:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow I will be going Christmas shopping and getting our tree… I am picking up my mother in an attempt to hang out with her a little bit. I have some cool Christmas gift ideas for people and am excited to start picking them up! On another note, I will be selling my car within the new 2 months and buying a new one. I am actuially pretty excited to have something that will run, something I can take to San Diego or where ever else I want to go. What else? I havnt been thinking about boys, I havnt been stressing about them for once I am free of being sad from it all. Chris, Noel, any one and every one that I have ever liked and lost. Which is good, I feel pretty decent about it I didn’t realize until some point today that I had not been obsessing over it as I normally do. I have a bunch of stuff going on and this could be why.Work has been going well, they bumped me up to 40 hours because I am bringing in at least 3 shoplifters on my own a week. I already have three for the week which ends on Sunday so maybe I will have more on Saturday who knows? I got overtime Monday and then again Wednesday and both times I was alone no co-workers around to help me out. Interesting I feel like I am finally growing in my field it is nice. Maybe they will give me a raise :P Though doubtful. Other than that not much is going on, Lelani and I see Circ. Sole on the 21st of December that will probably be the most time I have spent with her all month and I am starting to think that this will just be the norm from now on. Unless I talk to her, she doesn’t really talk to me. *shrugs* I guess friendships die eventually but arnt you suppose to make new friends in place of the friends that leave? If so I guess I am not doing a very good job on that I don’t really get out and meet many people.I can of course, Just right now I am good with where I am and the people I know Im sure I will make more friends as time goes on and am not really worried about it.

Getting our tree

2011-12-08T22:49:00.001-08:00

Dec 12, and her Passing

2011-12-05T02:33:00.001-08:00

Monday December 12th I have to work, and I have to work the next day but I really want to sit after work with friends and have a drink, maybe a few I want to drink to remember my grandmother Jill Marie whom I was named after, her passing her life. This is the reason it hurts most days to come home, and be in the same house that she passed in. I almost lost her once when I was 18, and it was the scariest thing I could have gone through at least I thought. Then when it happened, I was in shock but holding it together… I held it together while my family was in the living room, while people walked in and out to see her, yet I could barely touch her I wanted to be alone with her but there were so many people around I couldn’t shut them out.I remember my breaking point, I was in the living room my cousin Chris moved something on the Christmas tree I worked so hard on for her, I showed her it when I was done she loved it was so happy that I did this for her even though she was slowly not being in the now. Chris moved something on the tree when we were all out there, every one of my family members and it fell over and crashed into the floor, and he was just going to leave it there like that and I started to get angry and tell him that I worked so hard on it for her then it happened, I couldn’t control the tears and sadness any longer and I burst into uncontrollable grief right there in front of everyone… You have to understand that even showing any emotion in front of my family if hard enough. My aunt Dianna soothed me and told me it was a great tree and they made my cousin pick it up. My cousin Corey saw the tears coming before I did. So this year, soon actually I will be buying a tree and decorating it to help keep her memory alive. To make the house a little less tainted from her passing and loving instead, hell I still sleep with my light on low at times, I’m scared I might see her and I don’t know what to do about it. Half of me wants to, the other half has a hard time comprehending that she is gone and knows that she is, and it is not possible for her to be in front of me.So it is almost 3 years sense she passed, she passed in 2009 but December so its right before the end of the year. It will be hard, as it has been every Christmas without her here. She used to joke and tell me that one day she wouldn’t be here so I would have to go do things on my own, and I would always tell her she would be around to see me married and live a long life, its too bad she, the strongest one in our family my rock was the first one to leave. I try to be the girl she saw me as, she was so proud I lost weight, and had a job I liked… I wish I could share more with her, really going to school working on my degree, with my shit together, walking in the relay for life in her honor, and those before her. Helping my grandfather and trying to take care of him and make sure he knows he is loved, because I realized I didn’t say it enough to her, even though I tried to show it. I would do something, and seek out her praise “Grandma come look at what ive done, can you listen to this paper?, do you like the food I have made?” Always seeking out her praise and love; so I will drink to her on Monday the 12th and hopefully I wont have to ask for company and I wont be alone for it.On another note something not so great, Gary my partner in crime at work… His girlfriend whom is pregnant with his child she is 6 months along, they just admitted her into Anaheim memorial her water broke and she is having contractions which is not good, they are trying to do all they can to prevent her from having the baby but they aren’t sure what will happen she may have to stay in there through December. He is beyond stressed out, and it is hard for me to see it. I want to help him and give him encouraging words, but the most I can do for him is be there to listen. It means a lot to me, that he waits and tells me what is bothering him, but he will not open up to our boss, or anyone else at work just me. We are close at work, and this kind of cop-partnership helps sense we easily talk, I won’t judge him he won’t judge me we can easily say what is bothering us without it being weird, I need this kind of friend and he does too. I am praying for both of them, he is worried he will lose both of them and I hope he doesn’t have to ever feel that kind of pain.

Too Much Stress

2011-11-30T13:22:00.001-08:00

It was 2 am when I got into bed this morning, and before I did I was fine… I laid there and my head started to pound, and my heart started to race and my body was very warm. I thought to myself, how could I be getting sick again? I took something and finally around 3am I fell into sleep. I dreamt of work, and catching shoplifters.. And I woke up clenching my jaw really hard.. This clenching has been going on for the past two nights. I will admit this only here, I am stressed out. Work is stressing me out, I feel like now all my stops are being critiqued from my boss which is true in a way, and it makes me question now when I see people steal if I should stop them or not. I am stressed about my grandmother death next week 3 years. I am stressed at home, my brother is constantly not helping and it takes the force of a thousand suns to get him off his butt to help out. I have my grandpa’s bday party sat and I have been the only one cleaning and getting things ready and it is a little stressful. Then there is Dashing, always dashing. I question my decision to delete him even though I know I must have made the right one. Love someone and let them go they say. It will only suck for a little while they say, well fuck what they say. How did they get so knowledgeable about this? How do they know how I feel and how long it should take? You like someone for what 7 years? It’s going to take more than a year to get over that. I think I have done pretty well, I can think about him and someone else without wanting to puke then I think I am doing alright. : ) Or I can ignore it all together which is preferable and keep thinking there is no one else. Which I know in my heart is not true, but sometimes lying to myself helps.

Stressed Apparently?

2011-11-29T14:02:00.001-08:00

Who am I lately? I don’t feel like I am overly stressed but my body says otherwise. You know the signs all too well, some of us get cold sores, some break out and get acne, some of us get everything, headaches, sleep longer, stay up later.. What is it for me? Stay up later, sleep less and the occasional cold sore which is very irritating because I have not had one for over a year, and all of the sudden 3 in the past week. I just got rid of one. And here is another, sigh. It may not even be a cold sore, it could be irritated from skin, the guy I am seeing has a beard and that could be the issue. This hasn’t happened before it looks horrible how can I be confident with this thing on my face? *sigh* I am supposed to have a coffee date tomorrow before work with this girl Alyssa … Alyssa is a “kitten”. This is no joke, like I am a bunny she is a kitten and im hoping we can be friends it would be nice to know another pet. I have a date Saturday night with Phil, very cute guy in the Army Im excited actually… Hes very nice :D And tonight? Tonight is date night with Ben. Wow, I just named 3 different people and three different dates this week, I guess I am not doing as bad as I thought? It’s all in a desperate effort to not have too much alone time, not enough where I can sit down and think about how much I miss people. I miss my grandmother so badly, It hurts every day. Her death=anniversary is on the 12th a Monday and I want to open that bottle of very expensive wine I have with friends and drink, and then I just want to drink, and I want to forget how badly this hurts just for once night. See it is not always about boys… Oh although my Brother is not helping me at all with anything cleaning getting ready for my grandpas bday party on sat, and it is very irritating.. I am not happy with him.

another "Dashing" post to an end..?

2011-11-29T01:15:00.001-08:00

I knew it even before "Dashing" told me he was seeing someone that he was indeed, how do I know it? Facebook intuition and a stupid thing it is. I had just talked to him about it, about how hard it is to delete someone you care about, but in reality it shouldn’t be hard. I thought that dating people and doing other things would help, I mean it has helped I have met people and dated. It helped me heal a little bit in a way. Why do I tell him I’m dating and such? Is it my lame attempt to show him that I am trying to move on, so he doesn’t look at me and think “ Fuck, how long will it take?” how lame is she. I know he won’t think that, I have known him long enough to know that if I removed him from my friends list that he will still be my friend (And he will be shaking his head when reading this, or rolling his eyes at me) It shouldn’t be this important it’s just Facebook and I hate it. I hate that to be able to see him when I get that old feeling of just missing him; I revert to pulling up his page, and hoping that it will be enough for the time.(Its unnatural to have a window into the person you have liked, or like, love or loved and lost life’s 24/7 at the click of a button) So when I do delete him, and he reads this when I send him the link I know he will forgive me. Maybe one day I can re-add and have it not hurt still. I hope that day comes, it is less that I think of it but I still do. I feel like I really fucked up, even though I know I didn’t. I feel like I don’t want to feel like this anymore and really sense everything went down I have moved forward and it feels great. But it is not enough that it still doesn’t suck to see him completely moved on and living life as if well, he’s moved on and here I am wishing I didn’t have to see it. I want to be free of it, and hope that when I remove him tonight he will still make an effort to hang out with me once and a while, because that’s a lot better than having to see his facebook updates, the girls, the anything that is not me. I hope that doesn’t sound like crazy or weird... I don’t mean it to be, I guess it’s just the dynamic that we’ve always had that has always been important for whatever reason to me. It has changed, this dynamic and I could have prevented this but I gave in, and I will always give in to him. You’ll believe it or not but it’s true even if I value our friendship first.So… I’m deleting him tonight, in the hopes that the future will be full of smiles that aren’t hiding frowns, of feelings that no longer are hurt. I am going to do what I should have done a long time ago, and I am going to be grown up about this. When I would talk to my friends about this, about him, about what was going on (when it was I no longer do, maybe a rare occasion of missing him) they would always tell me, everyone says the same thing. If something is meant to happen it will Tisha, he’d be crazy not to see that. (This is the standard for a friend to tell someone when they’ve been dumped, or let down, or ended something matter of the heart related) I used to think it was true, the little girl in me always wants to belive in the fairytales… As I grow up though, the adult in me wants to laugh at the notion that something like that could happen in a world where people are so scarred from loves lost that they hide away and ignore it all in hopes that it will one day, feel a little better.Maybe one day it will. *shrugs*

Just some more rambling

2011-11-20T00:23:00.001-08:00

I have been feeling a lot of things this past week and a half and missing the conversations that I used to have with lovers that I used to hold on to. Yet, I also am craving something new. I do have something new, and I don’t want to make him feel bad I really like him he’s sweet and fun and his wife is great but this is not a forever relationship, its open but he can only have one wife in the end. I don’t always want to be the second; I want to be the first in a relationship and if a second is around awesome, if not then that is alright too. I just want to be someone’s first choice, although I do love having the freedom to see whom I like, and play with different types and personality’s. It is nice.I crave a little more, I want someone to sleep over and wake up next too, doesn’t have to be all the time but having that option is nice. I want someone to help de stress me from school and work which I love but need release from on occasion. Maybe a weekend getaway or a silly day trip some place. I guess that’s realy all that I have had on my mind lately. I did something stupid, I sent the most recent break up-ie is (not really a break up but it felt like it was) a text saying I missed talking to him. Of course he didn’t respond back and I shouldn’t have sent it in the first place.Why do I like the guys that aren’t ready to like me? I don’t think its on purpose, I have a tendency to fall for men that are friends, and that I have become close with and can really open up to. Men that are around, and don’t just leave me hanging. This could be due to some daddy issue but at least I liked the good qualities and not the bad ones… Although I do like emotionally unavailable ones I guess that’s a bad quality’s huh? It is what it is. I have let go of the idea that there is one person for me, maybe there is or not, maybe I have a few. Who knows?

Long week, Need a fun day!

2011-11-04T00:35:00.001-07:00

It’s been a long week, and isn’t it always! There are a few things going through my head right now. Not all of them are boy related, hehe. So quite yous! Well the main one is work, and possible moving up or with a different company. My co-worker whom I’ve grown attached to he is amazing we get along really well, has told the company he is interview for that he wants to bring me over with him as his LPO at 13.00 and the price isn’t negotiable. This was beyond awesome, and I still cant believe he did this for me. Full time is something I have been looking for and, he wants to bring me with him and have me be his “go to” on his team, I am very flattered. This would help money wise a lot, and I would if I wanted be able to move out with a roommate although the goal is by myself; consequently, saving money will be easier.School, I am all registered and finishing up two of my workshops I am just waiting on my fafsa which the school can look at in a few days, I am excited this mean I can get my degree and just be done with it all!Boy- There is always a boy in my life right? Seems like it but they never stay around long. Here is the thing, lately I have been getting asked out, hit on and flirted with a lot. It is very flattering and I am kind of shocked, it is like all of the sudden all of the guys are coming out of the wood work, but I only have eyes for one right now. I don’t know where it is going, I mean I hardly even talk to him… Sometimes and this is me being a girl and him being not experienced with relationships but it feels like maybe I bother him with texting him all the time. He tells me I don’t and I want to believe him lol but I hardly get a response from him. Sure, I talk a lot so maybe it is just my deal not his and you know it probably is. For some reason I am so insecure around him he’s so cute, and sweet and handsome I get nervous and really shy he is the first guy to make me completely forget about the feelings I have for noel. The feelings I don’t want to have, and now you know what? I don’t think about it anymore. It is really nice to move on.So I want to ask him if he wants to see other girls, or if he just wants to see me… I am not asking if he wants to be my boyfriend I know that’s kind of not possible right now but, id only like to see him… and I don’t want to worry about if he “likes me” or “doesn’t like me” or whatever. I want to be sure I guess being the girl I need some validation. Sometimes being a girl sucks, hahaha but sometimes it is fun.

2011-10-28T22:49:00.001-07:00

Not only are the holidays nearing but the anniversary of my grandmothers death looms in the air, and it has ruined the past Christmases so much that I honestly cannot say I remember them. What happened to my 2009, 2010 Christmas’s? Gone in the deepest pit of my memory that has forever repressed them into the nothingness that I feelI am feeling very detached and alone lately. I am craving some much needed attention that I seem to be lacking and honestly don’t think I would get much if I stayed quietly on the wall. I think I may just do that and see what happens, if I don’t talk to him and send him text messages will he talk to me without me prompting it? It feels like I am not even liked anymore. Like talking is a chore, which sucks and I know its not the case but I am in need of some attention. I need more than work and school I need to have that nice sweet distraction a crush can bring you.The attention I am getting I cannot be getting, but it happens from a brush of my leg, a touch here or there and flirting conversations. These are the actions and feelings that they cannot know, and I will never act on. Why? I have value and morals. Whats wrong with me?

2011-10-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

I made lunch for the boy im seeing today, A bento box lunch.. What you cant see is the 3 layier sandwhich on the bottum portion. It has mochi, mini apple and grapes... Healthy and yummy! I hope he likes it. Also made him sugar cookies with penut butter cup m&ms in them.. which he likes so i added they turned out pretty good if id o say so myself. I also have a new hair cut and he has yet to see it im slightly nervous, even though other people have said it looks good im still on the fence about it.. sometimes i think it does sometimes i think it looks like crap. lolOnly get a half hour today... but maybe this will put a fire under his ass to really come out and see me for longer. I miss talking to him in person, and cuddling with him. I know he is dealing with alot of shit right now just, i am too and its nice to have that relaxation that comes with him being around me. *blush* its silly. And im nervous right now its been two weeks... And im nervous about seeing him. shit i hope he likes my hair.

Herman

2011-10-24T01:42:00.001-07:00

Writing helps me get my thoughts together, it creates the space where I can say anything and it is alright because it is meant only for me, not to impress some guy, or befriend some lonely heart but so I can have a place to store my happiness, my troubles and my nothingness. Today was a good day and nothing incredible happened just worked, no shoplifters today… I’ve been with the company for 5 months already and it feels like a week has passed, I am growing as a person there and am very thankful to work with the people I do, they are amazing.Its 130am and I am sitting in my bed, listening to the sound of my window fan blow into my room, the only sound other than my typing that is resonating in the house. I am sitting in my twin bed, wishing it were a queen bed and wishing I had someone other than my cow pillow pet (my brothers gift to me which I love) to keep me warm tonight. Is it silly that I feel as if I chase the impossible dream? All I have ever really wanted out of life was to have someone to share it with, which was just my person and no one else’s, someone I didn’t have to share. I know it will happen someday and I am at peace with that it just gets lonely in my little box sometimes. Who am I to deserve such things? Why should I be given that instead of another? Honestly I couldn’t give you an answer that wouldn’t be any different than the other person who craves the same thing as I do. All I know is, I am ready to have something that is more than just dating around it sounds nice. I am tired of the men who think that I will tolerate being strung along for years, or led on. The men who think that saying I cannot sleep or see anyone else but them yet, still insist that we are not in a relationship for over a year. I want someone who has enough balls to tell me that they want me, and they don’t want to share me. Im not asking for much, just a little commitment to show me that yes, there are people out there that think I am important enough for it.Maybe someday, until then I have Herman (my cow pillowpet) haha- what he’s a cutie.

2011-10-18T15:57:00.001-07:00

I had officially started the process for the University of Phoenix online for my BS in Loss Prevention Management and I think it is the right choice. I have a lot of things that are starting going on right now it feels like things are coming together as they should. My goal is of course my degree but over all I want my own place, I love my family but I really need my own space. To do this I have to make more money than I currently am, but not so much that it is impossible.. So I will have work full time if im lucky they will give me a raise and that will help, and I will have 2 classes from here on out until my AA is completed. So all my life stuff is coming together and the guy I like just got a job which is awesome! He has been stressing about not having one and im so happy he got it… He needs this. I don’t get to see him very much which makes me sad at times, but when we do hangout its great. I know that if he could, he would come see me more and that’s all I really care about… Its nice, to have someone who likes you makes me smile for no reason, hes great. Although if he read this he would disagree with me and roll his eyes at me, but I don’t care. I think its cute when he rolls them at me.Anyhow maybe.. I will get to see him soon, I hope. Gotta run

Make LP a career? Why not

2011-10-12T17:19:00.001-07:00

I feel like a retard and wonder why i didnt think of this sooner! I love my job right, I love busting perps I am pretty good at what i do i can read people well.. Well what if, instead of just picking a job becuase i feel i have to make money and it has to be enough do something i like? Like loss prevention just managemnt, i can specilize in it with a bacholers degree. I can also maybe take a few extra classes on how to read people its called something else, but like interagation tequniqs, etc .. Would be good for the internal investagation side of things.I have been feeling like i have been going no where for a long time... But if i can make this work then maybe i wont feel like such a waste of space I am making an appt with a counsler and will have him/her help me set a plan and make this happen.. hell all my experince is in securtiy/LP why not use it to my advantgae.

2011-10-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a LONG weekend. A lot has been going on, a lot more than I thought would go on, some bad some good some but all together a very trying weekend. I went thinking I would de stress and I ended up being more stressed out then I originally thought. Went to renaissance fair in vegas, left Thursday got out there hit up some friends, one of which is a very complicated friendship it seems at the moment. I’ve been seeing him though seldom due to other issues out of our control sense … gosh I don’t recall maybe a month? Maybe slightly longer I think, maybe 2 months. I know when we hung out I kept the ticket stub from our first movie so id remember, yes very corny I know. So there are already a lot of interesting aspects that I wont even get into right now. So we had a really fun Friday and I was surprised I did not think that it could ever be like it was on Friday and I have to say it was perfect. Then sat and sun comes along, he already had promised a family friend that he would entertain their daughter she cant drink etc, so that’s what the weekend was originally for not to hang out with me. BUT I didn’t know a few things and the short version is I got jealous and very hurt very quickly. I don’t like being that person, and I hate that he can cause me to feel jealous because that means that now, and it wasn’t like this a month ago he can hurt me and I have some reservations from past guys hurting me and lying to me or stringing me along for years and I don’t want this to be like that I cant do that again. So we ended up going out to dinner Sunday night a group of us and he was his self again around me, affection etc. (For the middle part pretty much sat sun I had to endure watching him give her back rubs, foot rubs and being leashed up around his neck)(also comments and such from others about how he is so excited for her to be there, that he wont drink for her all weekend, and I find out that he went to see her for her birthday) Now we are not in a relationship so I cannot be overly mad. And understand that it wasn’t so much that he was hanging out with her, its that I had to see it all day and felt like my existents was… now not important. Back to dinner Sunday, affection his sweet adorable self that ive somehow started to like even more then when we first hung out, the guy that I cant wait to see in-between visits and blush from a few texts messages from him… So I text him during dinner (now also realize I am sitting right next to him) But we cant be too friendly due to the people that were around us. I don’t even want to get into that mess right now. Haha *sigh* Anyhow I ask him if they are an item we get to talk etc. I end up getting an apology and while hes in the bathroom I sneak away from the group (after dinner in the casino while everyone’s distracted and wait for him) I drag him outside with me and we talk for a good ... 45 minutes or so it felts like forever… But also I didn’t want to have to go back and fake not liking him when I do very much so like him. The short version is… he realized why I was hurt and apologized and said he didn’t want to hurt me. Also things are complicated regardless but he is going to figure out what he wants and then try to accomplish what he needs to. He was standing there with his arms wrapped around me constantly apologizing, telling me that it was alright if I was mad at him he deserves it and even if I was I still didn’t want to make him feel bad I want to see him happy as well. Then he said some things that made me smile, on the inside as well out.. He said he thought I had the cutest eyebrows (lol I have never heard that before) He said he I have the cutest dimples when I smile.. That Im the first person he wants to text when hes lying alone in bed and loves making me blush. And he said if our roles were reversed for the weekend and it was me doing what he did, he would have been jealous as well and understands. He said he would make it up to me, and I believe him. I learned something about myself this weekend as well as he learned things about what was really going on without his knowledge. I learned that I hate sharing him, I don’t like it at all. I’ve been asked out and hit on more then once in the past two months but I have no desire to date them because he makes me excited. And the most revolutionary thing is Noel, who I had been hurting over confused about for a while has even crossed my mind. I am actually really ok with just him and I being friends, and I never thought I would say that… I think I have finally moved on and this boy, or should I say this man that I have been hanging out with helped and I didn’t even see it coming. I really liked being able to sleep next to him and waking up to that cute, shy adorably handsome person. This is kind of new for me I do know that I don’t like feeling the way I did sat and sun and I hope that I wont feel like that again but am I willing to continue knowing fully that it could possibly happen? I don’t know but what I do know is that … at least right now if he wants me … I don’t think I would object at all… does that mean ive made up my mind after all? *blush* But I don’t know if he would want that anyhow, and that is not something id force because I want that to be something he wants, not does because its me making his choices… I want to be his choice, not mine, or his family’s, or friends or strangers his.

2011-09-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

I just re read the message "email" my father Micheal sent me. What a HUGE asshole that guy is. Have some respect for myself by .. what? asking him to treat me like the 26 year old woman i am? well guess what dude. Go fuck yourself. I tried, i gave yoy a shot into my life and this is what happens? Well guess what, I dont care where you end up becuase i wont be there. Have a funeral? Oh the fuck well, the world has one less dead beat (pardon the pun) dad around to forget his kid to drugs, to abondond her becuase "Hey, dude.. I cant take that kind of responciblity" well i hate to tell you, your the one that had sex, and your the one the knocked my mother up 26 fucking years ago.This is why i dont want kids, your the problem. When i was little i use to dream you would come by on your motercycel and take me away and we would be a family. I use to think life was so rough becuase i couldnt have you in it. Then when i grew up the anger eventuially left, but the respect you THINK you deserve? Not there. I dont care if you were the goddamn presedent of the USA and you happened to be my father, Id still tell you to Fuck off. I hate that you cant be a great father like my grandfather, I hate that you couldnt for once in your life try to be cival and adult and understand that you fucking hurt me. YOU HURT ME. I DONT LOVE YOU. And now, sense you just fucked up any chance of us "connecting" i never will.Some may think this is harsh, well guess what guys? I dont give a fuck what you think. You dont understand. I have given this man these people MANY chances, and they always let me down. Say they will be someplace but they never show, leave me crying and feeling abondoned all the fuck over again.. Try to buy my love and then what? Put me in a situation where i could get arrested becuase their girlfriend at the time is making fake IDS and doing check fraud. Sure, these are the people you want me to respect?Yea right bud. Go fuck yourself and the hore you rode in on. Becuase you deserve all you get or dont get out of life. And i will NEVER chose drugs or men over my kids. (if i have them now that youve scarred me for fucking life you prick) And i hope you read this. I fucking hope you do, and it knocks sense into your racist fucking brain.Oh and on that racist note, ive slept with two black guys, a few hispanic and the majority is white. Oh yea i have sex. So suck on that. Oh wait, im an adult! I could fuck the entier army if i wanted to and guess what? I wouldnt tell my children about you. ever. Hope that hurts.

A "Dashing" post

2011-09-14T23:52:00.001-07:00

So the other night as you can tell by my last post was ruff, and I was in desperate need of cuddling and feeling safe and just being held. Well my wants were answered by the last person id ever expect to get said cuddles from. … Mr. Dashing; consequently, he was online when I was we talked I explained vegegly how I was feeling he asked if I wanted company and 15 mins later he was sitting next to me in my bed, holding my hand … watching a movie with me. I didn’t ask him to hold my hand, or caress my skin he just did, and we shared a glass of wine. It progressed into cuddling and then I saw him out of the corner of my eye, his big sexy eyes looking up at me like the very first time we kissed the first time we started hanging out again months ago. I think around June or so. I knew that look, I never thought I would get that look from him again and I instantly blushed and …. Well, we kissed. And we really kissed, made-out and I was in his arms, warm and safe. I don’t in any way think this means we are together, or this means he wants that in any way. I just, man I missed that you know? And I really liked spending time with him alone. He really helped me I had been not sleeping well and what happened the other day made that worse, but when he left me? I slept great and right away. I don’t know if we will ever be more then what we are and I used to freak out about that, but I grew in the 4 weeks that I stopped seeing him and I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. I mean, no one compares to him but I am not going to be depressed if I cant see him all the time, and when those moments come that I do get secrete kisses and held by him I will treasure what it was then and not try to make it more than what it is in the now.The future? Who knows how that will pan out but I hope that I get to fall asleep in his arms again, because truly, that is where I feel the safest.

... No is suppose to mean something

2011-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

What would it be.. If it wasn’t all un wanted attention? But half? The other night, and im still fathoming this.. I went over to a friends (male) that I had known for a while.. just for a movie and cuddles it had been a long day and I was feeling shitty. So every things great then we end up sleeping together, unexpected but it was alright he was a little drunk from the bra earlier, I however picked him up from said bar I didn’t drink. So we are laying there and he wants to go for round two.. well by this time (I had to be up at 630a for work and was already exhausted) I was like im not really in the mood.. He didn’t listen at all and proceeded as usual. I put up with it for a few minutes but then it started to hurt (im only so deep for cryin out loud) so I told him, this didn’t stop him. I then pushed him away from me and was like no, I think we should stop. Instead he just slowed, and was like better? I was like no, its not. Pushed him away again, finally I pushed him and rolled onto his floor balled up. Still pushing his hands away from me… He said I was over reacting and did see the big deal and wanted me to “finish him off” im like wtf dude? Im not doing that, he fell asleep soon and I just laid there not sleeping.I said something to him about it today and he completely ignored it, like its not a big deal. Im still hurting … down there was way to ruff and im not very happy about it.. so what does that make this? I don’t know what it is, I mean I kind of know but I don’t want to think its that..This makes me think things like, am I the girl people look at like that? Most of my guy friends only want sex from me, do I do something for that to happen? My answer is no of course I don’t. Why cant I just find.. A nice guy, who wants more than to use me… I got cuddles and kisses with a movie and some wine from … well from someone I really care about and unexpected kisses and cuddles.. But it was just what I needed, he makes me feel safe. I couldn’t even tell him what actually went on im .. its.. embarrassing.. I didn’t even tell my best friend.. I don’t want sympathy I just want to block it out.

2011-09-09T11:24:00.001-07:00

Lately I feel like all I have been doing is saying that I am “Dating someone new” but it is true. For a little while I was seeing two people ryan and this guy chris from South Dakota. I didn’t want to date Christ from S.D so i told him I wasn’t feeling that way about him and he turned into a huge jerk… So that ended well. (read into the sarcasm ) Then there is ryan, who I did like I do like. But a few things were bothering me… We couldn’t have sex due to him not being able to “function” for more than 2 seconds. There was no chemistry click when we kissed it was just kissing, and I wasn’t overly excited I was more “accepting” and I thought I would be happy, I felt like I was settling and this is not saying he is this horrible person because he is not, he is a very nice, sweet guy who will go out of his way to make you feel comfortable. He is considerate, but there was just something missing. I don’t need sex, but I mean ok that’s a lie I do need sex eventually and I like having that “serious intense connection” I have had that once before, and that guy … That guy doesn’t want to be like that with me. So I went to a movie with a friend of mine let’s call him Handsome for privacy issues. Handsome and I saw a movie I wanted to celebrate my promotion and we were supposed to do something dinner wise with lelani but that got canceled. So we just saw a movie… And the move turned into a date with an arm over my shoulder and a hand in his lap. And various other very … hot things. Regardless I saw him again the following week for dinner with lelani her BF myself and Handsome. It was great again, and then I saw handsome again Monday night. We watched Rio and have some blueberry beer and ice cream. But what did it, was the movie “turned into date” kiss. He kissed me and I held my breath, it was intense, deep, passionate … soft yet hard. It was the kiss I was looking for, that kiss that I only have gotten once before from Mr. Dashing. That’s when I broke up with ryan (who knew I was seeing other people we were never exclusive I do not cheat ever) I couldn’t stop thinking about Handsome, just anticipating our next meeting made me smile and glow. I was excited again, like I should be when dating someone new.Mr. Dashing wanted to have coffee … So we had lunch and of course it ended in half the day wasted away just hanging out with each other which was nice. Half of me wanted to reach out, but half of me did not want to anymore. That half is stronger than the other half now… And I think him being gone and not talking to me for 3 weeks helped immensely. Its still it the new phase Handsome and I and I don’t know where it will go or won’t go.But im looking forward to finding out again, and kind of hope that he will be mine … If he wants to be of course.

A little this, a little ' dash" a little that

2011-08-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

Just a few new things going on in the life of Tisha; promotion happened yesterday at work. Yay me! I also received a raise with it which is a plus I didn’t think they would raise my pay as well. School starts Monday, I have two classes for sure and I was hoping to also get the honors English class but it conflicts with my already signed up for Spanish class so, I will attempt to get the communication class in its place and take the honors class next semester. I am a bit bummed but, it will all work out I hope.
Work front: It is going well; I like my boss and co-worker and am excited about the training. I think that after I learn all there is to know I will be successful with this company for as long as I am there. Gary my partner in crime (or partner in stopping crime) keeps talking to me like I have always been there, like I know everything already. It is funny; I have to remind him that I’m still new and not sure of some of the procedures to do certain reports. I should and do, take this as a compliment. He was really pushing for me to get this promotion and it means a lot that he believes I can do this and he wanted me to work with him. It is good to have people behind me again, it’s been too long.
Home Front: My bathroom completed, painted and decorated in relay for life theme for my grandmother. The hallway painted aside from the ceiling, photos in frames most of them are up. I just finished the last big photo display which I will be putting on the wall tomorrow at some point. The kitchen is mostly finished it needs touch ups, ceiling again. My mother is here to see my brother in jail with my grandpa in the morning. My father (well the donor the sperm that guy the not in my life ever one) sent me a face book request to be my friend and a message. He asked if we could start having a “relationship” and asked if I thought it was time finally. It took me a few days to get back to him; I did accept his request but told him I did not desire at this time a relationship with him. That I won’t deny him access to see my life though the social networking site, but if he wants it face to face I am not willing to go there just yet. I also said I won’t ignore him or be a dick, even though I have every right to be and will respond to emails he sends me through the site and keep him up dated and anything that is life important. That it is all I have to offer him.
Love life front: I am dating this guy I used to work with Ryan I call him Meko so if I reference him usually it will be in that name. So far we have been hanging out for almost a month and have had 5 dates and 2 sleep overs none sex sleep overs he is 26 and a virgin. Not that he is waiting for anything life changing it just hasn’t been the right time for him. I respect his bravery for still being one. Also I am going out with this other guy on a date he moved down from South Dakota this week we had been talking for a while so we are going to hang out. I think though, that Meko will soon turn into an exclusive relationship but I am just keeping my date book open right now. I am also talking with another chris he is twenty and I met him last year at esco faire he is the son of someone lelani knows (now) through her new clan. He I have to say is adorable, yet again we are just hanging out nothing to crazy.
I guess I am just trying to fill my life up with new people who care about me and aren’t afraid to want me. I havnt heard from Noel (Dashing from now on in any of my posts) in about 3-4 weeks now and at first it really sucked now I am kind of angry about it but in all reality? His loss, really and I would say all the “if he cant see that im amazing crap” but he does see it he just doesn’t want too. So I move on and I finally really have. I think him going on his band tour was what I needed; I kept getting sucked back into the pull that is him. I’d even run off with him if he would ask me to. But now im clear headed and I can see all the points to the case.
And that my friends is it for now; but hey … Isn’t that enough? Goodness I have talked so much! But it has also been a while sense I have updated anything on here so I thought I would tonight. Hope all is well with you my dreamers and I hope that you won’t let fear stop you from amazing places, people, and experiences.

2011-08-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

I have officially dropped the ball with working out, I had been on it again and then my wrist got all messed up after a few nights of painting. I stopped taking the vitamins, everything. So I am officially re-starting tomorrow. I feel lethargic with little energy, this is not only to lose weight its so I can re gain some of the time ive lost by sleeping it away. I am also seeing a new guy, ryan. So far we have been out on 4 dates, the first one was pretty awkward, but after that he relaxed and we had a lot of fun. He is a really nice sweet dorky guy and im glad that I can be myself around him and he doesn’t hide from his emotions. Im glad he doesn’t push me away because I am really tired of men doing that to me. “Oh I like you but I can’t be with you” Im so tired of hearing that and it happens a lot.
I don’t have any expectations for this other than we are having fun getting to know each other, he has some awesome friends as well. We all may be karioke-ing tomorrow night.

2011-08-02T01:12:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I tried pushing myself to go out on dates, and due to me not being ready well I didn’t enjoy it. I wasn’t ready, this is going to sound weird but I am ready to start avoiding him. Its not what you think, I just need to move on. It hurts to be around him and not be able to truly touch him and have moments that are only meant for me and not just anyone. I am really ready, I am not pushing myself into anything I just want to move on. I don’t usually give my heart to anyone for fear of it being hurt or broken, I did that the last two times .. And I ended up alone and hurt both times. I want it on my terms this time, of course things happen and it wont be perfect, I may fuck it up like I always seem to do… Or they may fuck it up. Or no one may fuck anything up.. lol The point is, im ready now.
So can I please have a nice boy? Not one who pretends to be nice, not someone whos overly outgoing and jerk like but a true nice boy? Do they make those anymore? (this is in no way intended to mean the truly nice boy I gave my heart to is in anyway mean or jerk like that would make life easy hes perfect) I just mean the people I run into everyday seem to be jerk like and douche-baggy.. Tired of it.

Ready for something new.

2011-07-31T21:32:00.001-07:00

Saturday night, which was last night was my official last day working for Target off of brook Hurst and Adams as an Assets Protection Specialist. It was time to move on, my boss I really did not like and still to this day want to tell him to suck it. He is like some of the other employees said, like a robot. But that aside, my last night was a good one, he wasn’t there. A few heartfelt goodbyes from some really great people and few not-so-great-goodbyes; however, the end of the night was the best. I was just getting ready to leave, with all intentions of slipping ryan my phone number before I walked out to make things easier for him, and he stopped me and asked me to wait for him for a sec, because he was getting off work to. So I waited outside, we chatted he walked me to my car and I noticed he walked to work tonight, so I offered him a lift home.
He chatted uncontrollably; nervously in the car it was sweet. So I dropped him off at home and he was like thanks for the ride, I was like was there something you wanted to ask me? Ryan: no, just wanted to chat. Me: Oh ok, thought you were going to ask me out you know I don’t bite and it would be alright with me if you did. Ryan: **blush** Oh yea, I mean … I’m not good at that sorta thing, but maybe we can hang out sometime soon? Me: Yea, sounds like fun.
He is kind of adorable, really dorky geeky nerdy all of the above but I get instantly comfortable around him, which is nice. He is a really nice guy, and I am so tired of douche bag macho types that try to dominate you in conversation and in life.
I guess we will see what happens.

Ive decided

2011-07-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

To make the most of my summer, and just to think more positively about things. Which i actually have been more so, every so often it will creep back up on me and I will get bummed out. But realize that im 26, this is only the start of my life. One day, maybe it will have something in it that ive always wanted and admired. I was reading my psych book and they said positive thinking can lead to positive results. I have always thought this to be true. Even when the days are dark and grim, and my heart yearns for my grandmother, and for the love lost I trust that it will brighten again.

Until then we have our memory's and those are ours to use as we see fit.

2011-07-27T11:08:00.001-07:00

Tell me it is not true, that the words coming from your mouth speak only of the lies that hate, and anger have placed in your heart. The lies that have lead us all here in this sterile waiting room at Long Beach Memorial Hospital. I stand up furious with the words I have just heard. My face is red and puffy, my eyes look like I have just got chlorine in them, and my breathing is fast and anxious. My heart, well, my heart is beating with the fire of a thousand pilot lights just turned on. I feel light headed for a moment and I see that your hand is grasping my arm now to balance me from falling down; however, I push it away and start to walk down the hallway of the intensive care unit. Passing room 304 my heart starts accelerating more only 3 more doors down, 305 then 306 my palms are cold and sticky my will is weakening with ever step. Finally I reach the door that holds my utmost worst reality inside, hand on the handle of room 307 I turn the long metal handle. It feels like it weighs as much as an elephant does and I struggle with opening it, it budges slightly and I see a curtain of blue strips and white plastic; Deep breath.
Do I really want to walk inside and meet my fate? I can walk away and never have to live with the sight of this. But will it make my heart yearn more not too? Yes, I sigh as I walk inside and close the heavy door behind me. It’s so quiet in here, on the bustle of the outside world noticeable through the nurses on the intercom calling out for patients. I step closer to the curtain, this curtain now the most frightening sight I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. Raising my hand I touch it and jerk back uncontrollably at its freezing cold temperature; deep breath. I open the curtain now.
When I saw the lifeless body before me, my heart no longer held a beat. I could no longer breath and stood their motionless just as it did. The white sheets pulled up to his chest, arms that use to be tans now white void of color. Moving my eyes up his body to his chest a few I V’s still in place, a few heart monitor rounds still attached to his perfect chest. This chest that I used to lay on, was warm and inviting now cold and distant only a memory. I stammer when I look at his face, his dark chestnut hair matted to his scalp, his eyes closed, protonate cheek bones no longer flushed from activity. I miss those eyes, the green mossy soul seers. I miss that voice, that is now hushed for a lifetime. If i could tell him that I loved him one more time it wouldn’t matter, but to hold and touch him. That and to know that he thought of me before he met this cruel fate. Would that make it better? Would that cause my heart to beat once more for the beat is now lost in his own un-beating heart. My life is over, for he is my life. His is the beauty and sunshine that made my will go on.

2011-07-27T10:32:00.001-07:00

I had a really nice chat with Lelani last night, I haven’t really talked much about her on my blog usually its boy problems, well this is no different, haha but not really a problem. Just more of a “what’s been going on” Something I came to relies was that I believe that people can have soul mates, I believe that I know who mine is. Do I think that they all end up together? No. I don’t. I think that sometimes it can happen, and when it does that is great… But other times it is never the right time, and you can have many loves in your life. I guess what brings this about is a very strange occurrence and it could be nothing, but I was stressing about it. I didn’t sleep at all (that and I was to hyper from over doing the B12 haha) still working on a mix for that. But I like someone new, and hes very sweet. Reminds me of someone old, but not so old..
If I cant be with that person, why shouldn’t I try something different? I tried going out with an Ex of mine we have fun but that thing, just isint there. I need that chemistry to function haha.. I was taken aback because when this new friend flirted with me I blushed intensely, and stammered. I don’t do that, well I do just not with everyone. I do that dorky crap with Noel, for some reason im awkward around him lol. Anyhow its happening again. Do I try and make a new close friend? Do I ignore the fact that the person I really want to fall asleep next to is out there possibly sleeping next to someone else? I don’t like the idea of him sleeping with anyone else haha.. but would I let it ruin a friendship? No. Do I have a say? Nope. And I do understand this im not insane.

What do I do? Lelani says that I can not wait around for him forever. I don’t think im waiting but maybe I am without realizing it. So I guess Ill try harder and see if this thing goes someplace, if not I havnt lost anything. But what happens if I gain something? What if I am one of the people who is destined not to end up with that person, the one who makes your heart skip a beat.

2011-07-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

Things are going pretty well this past week, so I don’t have anything to complain about which is awesome; however, I am still in a bit of a weird state. I guess, I wish that things would work out how I would like them to for once. Sounds silly, and I don’t expect flawless working out because that is not fun, haha. I don’t know maybe my standards are too high.

Sigh. I know that ive accepted this, and I don’t think about it as much. But I really wish he was mine. Not that hes something to have, he is not an object. But yea.. Sometimes life sucks.
Like you to much, so I cant be around you.

2011-07-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

It was dark as I walked into the cold hotel room; the air conditioner on full blast pushing the curtains away from the single window that over looked the pool below. I took off my shoes pushing them under the bed, as buttoned my blouse and walked to the window. Pushing the curtain slightly open I peered down into the lonely pool, no ripples of pleasure just calm clear water. My blouse was open fully now, my blue lace bra peeking out, my pale white skin shivering slightly from the breeze of the air conditioner, and that’s when I saw him. He’s standing at the edge of the pool, toes over the water feet planted on the green tiles that outline the kidney shaped swimmers dream. He silhouette is barely noticeable in the dim lighting, but I notice the hard lean body breathing deeply in, and out. His hair is short dark chestnut brown standing out against his light complexion. He stands still, muscles tensing on his wide shoulders, shirtless back.
The plaid shorts that are sitting on his hips loosen, and fall to the ground, showing a toned back side. He is a vision of perfection, I hard exhale for fear of scaring him away; however, he cannot see me watching him. I press my stomach and breasts up against the window hands eager to liquefy the glass and be near him, but I remain unnoticed and silent.
He slips into the cool water, making ripples on the once calm surface with all the skill of a professional, he swims.
I remain unseen, watching and yearning to touch him alone in my hotel room.

Noel.. noel.. noel..

2011-06-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

Im being harassed at work by some guy and his boss who are soliciting signature outside of the store when I am just doing my job; Work is taking care of it finally, now that they have started the harassing phone calls all day.

If i say it three times, will it make my wish come true?

What sucks? I miss him. I always do, I always want to cuddle up to him maybe have him read to me or play with my hair... he’s the only one who does that. It is not like I didn’t just see him, I did. But that’s not what im talking about, being alone and close to him. I miss that. The way he ask me for hugs, haha with hidden agenda. Well, hidden but not so hidden… What is wrong with me! Sigh, im not sad by any means, moping not depressed … Just maybe longing is the right word? I want to touch him, run my fingers up his soft smooth stomach and have that nice sigh of content come out of him….. I want to kiss along his shoulders, down his side snuggle into his neck and nuzzle into his arm and fall asleep with my lips on his shoulder. Which I have done, and I was surprised I don’t usually sleep well with other people.. I remember waking up one morning and my lips were firmly planted on his shoulder… haha it was nice and it wasn’t gross or drooly.. I know what you were thinking. Will this feeling go away? Am I hoping it does? Do I not want to feel this way?
I want too, but I don’t. I do but then it makes it hard when I cant put my arms around him, and hug him… I need to give it more time I know. Right now no other men are even the slightest bit attractive to me and ive tried ive been asked out twice already… and I want to say yes but I don’t feel very interested in them, maybe im not trying hard enough? Shit. I really don’t know.

And his name sits on the edge of my reasoning...

2011-06-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

Should I be more devastated then this? I may have shed a few tears but over all I was expecting the worst, so when you get not the worst but a tolerable response back what more could I ask for? I know its insane of me to put my feelings and thoughts out there in the open for someone to either reject or take as they see fit. Its weird though, I know I wont live forever, I know that life is to short to hide these feelings I have..

Im in love, and like most loves it is not so fun haha... sigh but at least I can finally admit it to myself, and to the person with whom my affections are for. It actually was a lot harder than you may think; I really didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to think it was just some nice weird affection that I had for this person not love. Not a feeling that could potentially hurt me, and leave me wanting something more. But when did I realize it?
At the museum, a month or so back, I was sitting next to the boy in question and we had our two friends there with us, there was one moment on tingle, I forget why but he looked at me with those big eyes of his and it was his deep gaze, when you look for a moment too long. I blushed, I doubt he noticed but my stomach went all gooey and whacky, I wanted to kiss him. I of course did not, lol. I think that’s when I figured out that this is more than just a very long crush that I have had on this boy. What is so different about him? What is so special? I can’t explain it. Maybe I am not suppose to be able to explain it, there have been times where I am completely irritated with something he has said or im put off by the manner in which it was said, but when it comes down to it? Im just putty in his strong, brilliant hands

Maybe I’ll move on .. maybe I won’t I don’t know but I know that it sucks. Im not as beat up about it as I thought I guess because I expected this to happen. I thought it was to good to be true in the beginning, and for now at least I was correct in my assumption.

Birthday 15 days away..

2011-06-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

I get asked every year what I would like for my birthday, usually I don’t know what to say. I don’t really need anything; sure there are things that I like but mostly? I want another moment to add to my bank of memories. Its corny, it’s horribly romantic and it is just me. I want a sixteen candles moment, you know the one. After a long day where you think every one thing has gone wrong and you get home only to have the boy that you like and a birthday cake for just the two of you.

You are sitting on a table, or floor anywhere that’s dark and secluded and the glow from the candles burn into your soul, staring into his eyes (each other’s eyes) and you’re creating a special birthday memory; sure presents are nice but these, these… Are the money makers you wait lifetimes for.
An old friend, kind of an ex of mine although we only dated for two weeks got a hold of me recently. We were talking, and I was expressing my current dilemma you can say to him. I then got something I really wasn’t expecting. “Tisha, you have to understand and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about you. I always avoid parties where you were at, due to the fact that every time I saw you id end up making out with you or wanting to, even if I had a girlfriend, because you have “it” you have that it factor. You are hard to resist, if anything you are too hard to resist.” This kind of shocked me, I mean hearing it. I have always had a few guys throughout my life come back to me, consistently. Calls, emails, and texts whatever just saying they miss me for whatever reason want to “hang out”... I never understood why they kept coming back, even though I had moved on. I also realized that when I move on, I really move on. I guess, I was having a really hard week and a hard time, I miss talking to and seeing him and it was nice to hear that it may not be me for once.

It may be that, its just too good. Id like to think that, but it you know gets hard to… Maybe one day I will have my sixteen candle moment, until then I guess I’ll be here.

Sex

2011-06-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

It’s all about sex, even when they say it is not in the end that’s what it is. “Come hang out, we can just be friends” in boy speak means (I’m going to try and get into your pants, even though you told me you’re not interested) or the “I’m not all about sex” means (I am all about sex, I’m just going to tell you that I’m not.) I am getting fairly irritated with this, I mean I am no prude I love sex, I think about sex a lot maybe even as much as a man but I do have other things going on. I once thought this guy was cute, he acted sweet and interested... Only to find out that every time we would talk he would bring the subject around to sex, again… But then insist that “he wasn’t all about sex”. I would be happy, very content if I had someone who liked sex, who made me “gasp” and feel wanted, but I want to know someone first. I don’t want to just meet someone, and then have sex with them. I want that chemistry that connection first.

So I guess until I find it I’m not going to go out with anyone, fuck them. I’m so tired of them thinking that all I am is sex. I am more than that.

2011-06-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

It is 19 days away from my 26th birthday 27 from my grandmothers 77th birthday if she were alive. My birthday plans? I have none. I will be in school from 9-1pm then probably have some homework.. I had a dream that everyone forgot it was my birthday and it was another wasted day, my family and friends no one did anything special. To some degree, I don’t feel like anyone should have to do anything for my birthday and yes, they don’t have to. I just miss the days of my grandmother showering me with attention and b-days cards... silly little things on that day.
So this week has been trying, I received a letter from my ex fiancé Adam’s wife Nicole, telling me to stay away from her family that he and her have been married for 3 years have a child and another one on the way. I guess my attempt to get a hold of him to find out how life was going, how he was doing was in her eyes and “attempt” to break up her happy little existence, which makes no sense. He and I were friends for a long time, I guess he doesn’t have the class to just tell me how his life is going but tell his wife that I need some kind of closure instead.. I dumped him. Another, Anthony whom I saw at the bar last night the guy who said that we were friends, I sent him a message saying that I missed talking to him. I get a “Thanks for missing me but I don’t want to go down that road again”. I also got an “I saw you kissing that guy your boyfriend (noel, not my boyfriend) last week. You can kiss whoever you want to kiss I don’t care” And that ends that. I didn’t want to be his girlfriend, I just wanted to talk to him but I guess all this time when he told me all he wanted was to talk and be friends he really meant as long as you never kiss or sleep with anyone else we can be friends.
Furgh

Stress cleaning

2011-06-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

The year is going by quickly again I look at the wall and realize it is just a month away from my 26th birthday, from my grandmothers 77th (if she were still alive) I remember her 75 bday the last one we spent together as a family like it were yesterday. I threw her a surprise party and although she “hates the fuss” she loved the attention and it really made her day. It made her smile, and she got to sit with her sons and daughters (most of them) and a few friends, she got a cake with violet polka dots (she loves violet and green) Now its been 2 years, and they flew by but I guess that is how it works.. It feels just like yesterday that I drove home unaware of the sadness and heartache I was coming into. Just like yesterday that I walked those four steps into the harsh reality of losing my best friend, the love of my life.

I didn’t think it could be real, or possible even when I saw her laying there in bed.. She was there but then I couldn’t talk to her, I could barely walk in the room without wanting to tell everyone in that house, who was there for moral support and because they loved her that they needed to leave. I wanted to tell them that they couldn’t be part of this private moment that I needed to have with her. That was my selfishness coming through, the part that didn’t want to share her with anyone. I missed her last moments, I didn’t get a chance to tell her how much I loved her even though I know, and she knew I did.

As it nears my birthday and hers I find that I am a little more stressed than normal.. How did I come to this conclusion you ask? Last night I got home from work, the drive home from work is always the worst part of my day… it makes me think of her… Anyhow I get home I finish my book by 1am I got home at like 12:15 then I started looking around the house the dishes in the sink the towels not folded and the toys from the dogs on the ground and my heart started to ache for my grandmother, my mind started to also wanted to not face my bed alone, and sad so I thought of someone else as well.. So I cleaned, from 1 am until about 4 am.
I cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes cleaned the counter tops.. I did the laundry, folded and washed picked up the front room. I organized the last parts of my room, made my bed put away cloths in my room and organized my backpack. I swept the floors, Put things away. I did this until I was so exhausted that I didn’t care I was getting into an empty bed anymore.

In a few weeks I will be 26, and my grandmother 77.. ::sigh :: I will cry again for that which has been lost and that which seems to be out of grasp right now.

2011-06-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

I had a great night last night at least that is how it started off. I was at the bar with friends, laughing and having a few beers, He was flirting with me… That’s until my night went south and Christine told me that she was the one who egged my car a while back. I’m sad, when this happened all I could think about was how this person must hate me so much to do this. When they know my grandmother is in my house dying, and I had a long night with her… When I have work and now I have to wash this crap off my car.

Not only that but my friend .. sean was in my face at the end of the night angry hurt everything that we arnt dating. Which I get I understand I heart him, but im too hung up on someone else I have blinders on, other than him I don’t want anyone else right now. I just want to go to school, and have this boy in my life as my friend, as someone I can talk to when im feeling down, someone to listen to when their feeling down. Im focused on school right now.. That’s all I have time for

2011-05-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

I spent my “weekend” which was Thursday morning- Saturday early afternoon at my Aunts apartment in San Diego this past week... I didn’t realize how much I needed to just be away from everything, everyone; All the stress of money and living, school and work, Boys or lack thereof. I don’t know what I am doing anymore; I have a few new goals. Finishing school is not a new goal, but on that I want to get B’s if not A’s in my summer school classes I want to raise my GPA I am passing my classes but usually with C’s and the once and a while B I know I can do better than that. I would like to learn a new language fluently which will also start in school I’ll be learning Spanish and will try my hardest in the class.

I am going to really, start saving my money and being aware of how much I am spending. I want my credit card gone (which I’m only 300 away) I need a new student credit card to rebuild my current credit that is not really existent due to just paying off the first one. I have, one more personal goal that really is something I have been working on for a while.

I want to be 30 pounds lighter, losing 30 pounds would put me at maybe a size 12, god how great would that be! Im a 16/18 right now.. .That’s 4 sizes well I fit into a 16 .. so it’s like 3 ½ . I wont explain my reasoning any further than I am tired of being tired, I need to have more going on in life and when I had my regular workouts it helped a lot with stress and I have stopped, Ive started eating fast food again (wendys on occasion when im at school only) I have been drinking to much soda which is like 3-4 a week is too much. I need this, I need to do this for myself again.
I was at work yesterday and this older lady was walking, very slowly picking out some candy bars.. Her son came over (he was in his late 30’s) she must have been 65’s-70.. He picked the ones she had and went and purchased them for her… Then on the way out he holds her hand and they walk out together. I almost broke down in tears just then, that was the sweetest gesture I have seen in a while and it made me miss my grandma.
So what if the boy I like doesn’t want to like me, Life’s too short for me to sit around and feel bad about that forever , but I have hope in the human race… I have HOPE in people.

2011-05-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am having a weird week to say the least. It started off an Friday with Noel saying he didn’t feel that way about me, but he did and he was afraid anything we would get into would be to intense which is something he can’t do right now. At first, I was really upset I cried and I felt depressed pretty much until I want to say last night/today. A few things have happened sense Friday, I did the American cancer society’s relay for life marathon, and a friend’s mother passed away, another new friend of mine tried committing suicide this weekend over her ex-boyfriend not wanting to take her back. Suicide, it got to me no matter how badly I am stressed or hurt I will never take my life due to someone no liking me. It is hard for me to respect someone who is a mother to boot that thinks this is a way out but I told her I would be here if she needed to talk, or just get away and I will be.

I re connected with an old crush, he’s dating someone now I’m slightly bummed but then we are still friends and we still talk, so regardless if there was every anything I have that which is nice. I am just trying to distract myself with attempting to date around, even though my heart has always pulled in one direction I think that this will be good for me. I have not talked to Noel sense Friday I did send him a quick text the other day but got nothing in response... This also gave me a reality check. He doesn’t owe me anything, nor does he have to even talk to me if he doesn’t feel like it. I guess, I’ve just become attached and like having him to talk to being a closer friend I miss having a male close friend around. Although I miss the affection, what I really miss is having someone to just relax with and converse. Will he talk to me again? Or will I be pushed away.
I called my aunt in San Diego and asked her if I can come out Thursday and leave sat morning (I have work sat night) I called and I broke down in tears being home with all these people around constantly and never really being alone is getting to me. I will pretty much be by myself the whole weekend and I am just going to read and relax on the beach clear my head. I will be seeing carmello my ex when I’m down there but other than that my aunt works and is on call so I will have time to vegg out. I need this I think.
I have also made a new friend who lives in Fresno, his name is Lewis. I was trying to get in contact with Adam, and he responded and we have been talking back and forth a little. Its nice to be flirted with, not have any drama and stress or wondering if they like me or don’t like me. I know that I am worth a little affection and attention; I know that I am a great person. I shouldn’t have to always feel like, I am fighting to have everyone else (or him) see that I am.
I want the romance, the flowers the dinner dates or picnics on some grassy hill somewhere. I want to be told im beautiful, that my eyes are windows into a soul. I want to be kissed like I am the only one for them, held like they mean it and loved for who I am, a person with faults.

Adam Delatorre

2011-05-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if I will ever get to talk to him again, this whole thing with Noel has me wanting to talk to Adam, it’s been about 4 years sense we decided not to get married. I have to say, that I miss that part of my life. I miss having him as my friend, I want to know if he is married with children doing well.. In school or not I don’t know if I will ever get the chance but at this point, if I had his address I would drive to Santa Barbra and go see him and fuck the repercussions, he would either be ok with seeing me or send me home. He was a huge part of my life, and I feel like it is not closed its still an open wound that is preventing me from really moving on. Among other things I am sure.

I look at the old pictures of us, in Hawaii and I realize how much I have grown and changed sense then. I used to think that he was my whole world, and I was almost Mrs. Delatorre. My heart is conflicted and sorrowful at the same time the memories were those who helped push me into having a future. I hope that this endeavor will end with him getting in contact with me, I don’t know what I am looking to accomplish with this.

I hope that this, and my future endeavors will turn out for the best.

2011-05-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

I am so lonley, I guess this is why im looking forward to summer school I will be to busy to long for someone to hold and be held by. This sucks, I every night when i go to sleept I am alone, and usually this bothers me. But when i get up im alright again and then i start all over once more. Maybe if i were stronger I wouldnt be lonley like this, and let it bother me so much. All i have like many, is my memories.. But i want new ones, brand new ones.

when is that going to happen?

2011-05-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

In November I will have worked at my current Job for 3 years, this is the longest that I have stayed in any position. At first I was really in to my job, it was exciting my boss was amazing and my efforts were finally being recognized. Then my boss left, and I got a new one who is a nice person but are work styles do not mesh well. We have to try very hard to keep it easy which it shouldn’t have to be. They gave a promotion to my co-worker whom I adore, however this is something I have wanted for the past 2 ½ years. This sucks, I feel like if I were a man this wouldn’t be an issue at all. It’s a boys club, and they over-look all the hard work I put in once again. I know that this is not my forever career, but I this I something I really wanted and have been working hard to get only to be told that my working hard is not enough. I guess I will just have to suck it up for the next 2 years until I can quit and have the job I want. Im not stupid and I know I can’t afford to live without it, I just don’t really care anymore. No more giving a damn about a company that does not give a damn about the employees that work hard for them.
My brother also went to juvie last week, I’m frustrated because I feel like I am a bad sister; maybe I have been too much of a hard ass and not giving enough support. I am not very good at that, I never have been. When it comes to family, I have a hard time being overly emotional, im distant and I always shield my heart from getting hurt. This is from not doing so when I was younger, and letting my mother and father back into my life time after time, and always being let down and hurt because they didn’t care enough about me to put down the drugs and be in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, life is not completely in the shitter, im just discontent. I am trying to improve situations by just doing the best I can with school and helping my grandfather out more. He hasn’t been feeling well lately it worries me and im trying to help him out.
I realized who “he” reminds me off, Mr. Darcy My all-time favorite book-movie. Maybe one day I will have a boy write me a love letter until then, ill just dream about it.

2011-05-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I admit even though I dont think that i should be sadder that your gone today being mothers day I still miss you. Its hard to come home and not have you here, I wont apologize to anyone for being sad becuase of that. They say to move on, everyone has someone they have lost I dont care. Just becuase you have doesnt mean it will make me feel any better. But im not crying, and im not in a bad mood just a little sigh here or there.

Other then that things are going just fine, work and school. I think that is all i have for today i would like to curl up and snuggle but its just me tonight, maybe one day..

My new pillow is awesome though, snuggle worthy.

2011-05-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have decided to go down to 25 hours at work for the time being, which means I will be working Friday-Sunday. Monday-Thursday will be for school and the gym. Also, I need to start working out again, today I re-instated my account with 24hr. fitness and tomorrow I will go back for the first time in a while. I am also picking up some activia to help with my digestion which has been all weird lately. I know that my weight is not an issue when it comes the too the guy I like, but sometimes I feel like it may be easier if I was smaller. It does help with my mood, and lately my mood has been very sprat-tic. This is also due to my teeth hurting all the time, which needs to be addressed. I will try very hard to use my time wisely and put forth more effort in doing activities that help distract my mind, and improve myself in the process.

This includes picking back up some of the books I had started reading but got off track on, finishing my wooden paddle and starting my next one, which I think I will make for lelani’s birthday present but I have not decided just yet on that.
This boy, he is not like the others. I do not want to scare him away by being too aggressive with him, I have to find a middle ground. He drives me a little crazy at times where all I want to do is touch him and kiss him make him smile that gorgeous smile of his. I don’t know if this affection we have for each other will ever be more than that or if I’m ready for that. If he and I got into a relationship it wouldn’t be one of these short 3 month ones it would be more than that, am I ready for such? Right now, that is not something I have to answer due to him not being ready for that, or anything but avoiding what this could be turning into. I am on the fence, on the one hand he drives me crazy and I wonder what It might be like being his.. On the other hand im not sure if I am ready to be some ones just yet.
But you know, if he ever asked me I would say yes. I just doubt that he would ask. Slightly bitter-sweet.

To compete with a memory

2011-04-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have to say that other than my grandmother’s death, these past two weeks have been very trying. I don’t even recall what all the small irritants are, but a few are still fresh on my mind. I slept little, I ate little and I thought quite a lot. Through all of this the end of my two weeks consisted of a text message from my uncle telling me that a good childhood friend and my cousin had passed away this morning. Heather was a few years older than myself with complications all through her life this was something that was inevitable. Something you don’t really think about until it happens. I remember playing with Heather and her sister at their house out in riverside when we were all children, super-star and rock-star playing house. It’s a sad day also a good one because I know she won’t be suffering anymore. That is a hard life to live.

Other stressors; work, I fucked up. I know better and I didn’t think the situation through enough letting personal stress and issues get in the way, no wonder they have yet to promote me. I consider that now out of the running and it is my fault, there is no one to blame but myself and my judgment on the situation.

2011-03-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Im lonely and Bored. Ive come to figure this out, I miss Anthony. I realize that this was bound to happen, and i miss having someone around me like that. Even if he barely was around. I dont want to start that up again, I just miss the affection.

Fuck i feel defeted, im just not happy today it is one of those days. Im going to go to class, come home do algebra go to bed then work in the moring and repet the cycle until i cant take it anymore. I am indeed my own worst enemy. Sigh. Ill read tonght aswell, Ill read tomorrow anything to help keep my mind entertained. To stop thinking about what i want, who i want where i want to be and to just disapear into nothingness of someone elses imagenation. Have a drink, and dissapear.

Im confused, I like him but am i just looking for the attention becuase of the fact that i was lacking it last time? Im affection deprived and in need of feeding it. Is that going to mess me up in the end? shouldnt i know better? I just want to snuggle into him and let the world fade away for a few hours, not to have to think about what it is or is not just to be in that moment.

I think the times when im feeling most desperate for attention should be when i dissapear for a while.. Would he notice Ive gone? would i care if he didnt notice.

2011-03-14T00:57:00.001-07:00

Why do I always get sucked in, even when I tell myself im not. Anthony calls me while im doing algebra with lelani. He wants to hang out, Im like.. Ok sure why not I don’t have work until late tomorrow and I just got Netflix. So im watching that 70s show.. and 1230 rolls around, still no word from him, send him a text. I get a call 20 mins later.. Maybe we should do this another time (now keep in mind he called and asked me to hang out) Hes like I ended up doing stuff at work and it will be to late to get a movie anyway (excuse 1) I was like oh ok, well I have Netflix we can watch whatever if you wanted. Well, he says” Im on my way home right now..” (Excuse 2) So, couldn’t let me know a little earlier.

I would understand if he had said hey maybe we can do something later but im still not sure. But he asked me to hang out, specified what he wanted to do, then of course canceled and I bet if I hadn’t sent him a text I wouldn’t of herd from him until he was all the way home.
I don’t get what he has to accomplish by still not following through with stuff. He doesn’t appreciate me, he makes me feel cheap and un loved. He makes me feel like im disposable. Like im not worth a phone call, to say he got tied up and couldn’t hang out after all.

I don’t expect him to be my friend, I don’t expect anything from him. But, I would at least think that if I called you and expressed wanting to see you that I would have some follow through. What kind of person does that all the time? A lonely one. He makes me sad.
*fuck* I want someone to make a little effort if they want to hang out with me, or at least give it to me straight and tell me they don’t and not lead me on all the time. Be honest, It may hurt at first but like someone close to me said. Your not responsible for how someone else feels, just your own feelings.

Nothingness

2011-03-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

My heart is telling me that I miss him, but my gut and brain are telling me that this will end badly. Anthony can’t leave well enough alone, I feel like a doll his world. For him to dress, and move around as he likes without regard for what I want; what did I want? I wanted him to be my boyfriend, a commitment he couldn’t do. He said he wasn’t able to have that, that he would die alone. How does this make the person your dating feel? Not so good you know that there will be an end so why not end it before you’re in too deep?
So Anthony my “Knight in not so shining armor” sends me a text last night. “Can we talk, I miss you and have been thinking about you lately.. And all the time we spent together” was the jist of the message. So I tell him he can come over to talk, buy now I can’t sleep regardless of how much I want to. I also tell him that I cannot give him more than friends right now, if it’s just to talk nothing else (ie no sex, no kissing nothing like that) he said ok and came over with a movie.
He hugs me, we talk. It wasn’t too bad, But all through the movie he was nervous and anxious kept fidgeting. I have never seen him do that in all the time we spent together. He was different, still him but more open. I wanted to be honest with him and not lead him on. I told him that I was hanging out with someone else, and I wasn’t sure if right now a relationship is what I can do with anyone. Due to him, the fact that its only been 3 weeks even though it feels like its been an eternity. He got upset; he said he didn’t like the idea of me with anyone else. Im like, well you kind of blew that when you didn’t want to be more than just what we were, you cant tell me that I cannot see anyone else. Were broken up, he said I moved fast that kind of hurt my feelings but I mean I did. It was quick.
But I didn’t plan for anything to happen like it did, I just went with it. It was a week and a half broken up with Anthony then Dashing comes into the picture and hes amazing. He always has been amazing, and when im with him I feel comfortable and excited happy.. Im not overly stressed, I am content with the relaxed moments we have together then all of a sudden it intensifies into this need to touch him, kiss him mold into him. Passion and chemistry, just ignite inside of me.
But hes vulnerable and yes I know Dashing is an adult so I don’t need to protect him, but I feel like I need to protect him from me. I don’t want him to get hurt, so will all this hanging out hurt him in the end? Will he have to make the kind of choice to stay with it or not. I really don’t have the answers, I wish I did. If I could see into the future and be able to tell if being with him will cause him more pain, or less then my choice would be easy. That’s not really how life works. For now, I am an object that is affected by the people who come into my space, I don’t have a lot of to do with it at the moment, because they each have wants and will affect me in the way they intend to I can just react when necessary.

Anthony, why must you make things so confusing, why couldn’t you leave it as it was. Nothingness, a void that maybe would get better with time not re-opened to experience the hurt all over again. That I can deal with, a nothingness this; I don’t know if I can.

2011-03-09T15:21:00.001-08:00

I used to cook a lot more when my grandmother was alive. It is something I enjoy doing, and something she taught me to do. Well, I stopped doing most of it because of the time because of the memories. I have recently picked it back up again, starting slow with some baking. I really do have a lot of fun making yummy treats and having people enjoy them.

I made some brownies with cheese cream frosting that were awesome, Yesterday I made some snicker doodles for the first time.

They came out really well as well. My grandpa wants me to make some pineapple upside down cake so I will be doing that tomorrow. I haven’t made that in a long time; the last time was with my grandmother. There not bad thoughts, they are nice and warm. It is an amazing day today and I feel although a little tired really nice and warm. All I want to do is lay underneath this tree and have the sun warm my body and mind. I want to lose track of time, I want to leave my cell phone at home and just be. Without the distractions of everyday life harassing my every move; It sounds so relaxing and mellow, lately I have been craving that mellow smooth insatiable feeling.

5 Days counting..

2010-12-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

5 Day's until the year aniversry of my grandmothers death. I cant belive it has already been a year. It really went by quickly, It was a hard year for me. But then, It also had its good times as well. After looking back at it, over all I wouldnt want to repete it. I think that the stress outweighed the goods.

In the past year i turned 25, I lost (am still losing) weight. From 278 to 231. Which is a total of 47 pounds, and im still losing. My new years resolution for 2010 was to not cut my hair more then twice in the year and let it grow out long. Which i havnt, Im getting my second hair cut (trim) before vegas on the 19th of dec.. :) Ive stuck with school and work, gotten my wisdon teeth pulled, slowly taking care of all that.

The reason for my header, 5 day's until my grandmothers death anniversery. On sunday. Im going to go visit her, I always think it wont be so hard to go see her, but it will be. And she doesnt have a headstone yet. It will be my mission to buy her one.I think that she deserves it, its just kind of expensive. And it may be a while but she will have one.

Job wise, Im not happy with my current job but i may have an oppertunity to have another one soon that pays more, and will work better with school. Less hours means i can do more classes at school so i can get my AA in CJ. I want to get school done with, And ive just started lol. I want to make decent money so i can have my own place and not be a burden on my grandpa.

2010-11-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

Ive been dating "casuailly seeing" this guy Anthony for about 11 months now.. And i know having pactenice is a good thing, but its starting to verg on just.. dragging. I feel like theres no effort on his part to hang out with me. I mean, a guy i met in october once, made more of an effort to see me and hangout with me and he lives in lakside, anthony lives closer to me.

A guy in reno, eric is planing on coming and seeing me for a week sometimes soon, and that means plane ticket and time off work. And hes in another state.. So whats the deal? I mean the sex is good, sometimes. But is it worth it in the long run? Iv been under so much stress, i dont even know why. Well, im guessing work and school. MAINLY work. But im going to look at it the correct way, stop pouting and whinning that i hate my job and just do something about it. What else could i do? I have to be adult about this, and do it the right way. I need my job, and im glad i have one i just think its time for a change, in the right dierection. Im going to talk to my boss about going down an extra day at work, and then use that time to work on school and getting another job. I think if hes there today i will do that. I dont even know. Its stressing me out.

Maybe not.

Anyhow i just need something new. I used to love my job but not anymore. The same with the guys. I need something more active.

Faire weekend

2010-10-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

I took two days off to go to vegas faire this weekend and the start of it was bad, the middle was ok and the end was bad. Lol, it was like a weekend of anxiety trips, everyone was giving off bad vibs, and i kept feeding off of it. Not only that, i was drunkly hit on (which wouldnt of been so bad if that were all it was) by this guy in our camp. Sure, i think its sweet that he thinks im hot, what i dont really find sweet is the constant hitting on, having him drunkly call my name when hes going to bed (which he has no memory of) infront of everyone else in the camp.. Tish... Tish.. over and over again. SIGH.

It was slightly irritating, overly irritating. I feel like ive never had an all around fantastic time at faire, i wonder why? lol. Maybe i need my own tent, maybe i need a little more time there .. That could all be it. My own stuff, so im not dependant on other people as much, maybe that would help.. Lose a little more weight, it would be a little more fun.. id have even more energy maybe be less whiney, and on that note..

Back to the gym, starting wensday night, after school. I like losing weight, i need to keep it up. I want to be better able to do things.. and it will be better for the anxiety if i keep it up. Anyhow, right now im craving sweets.. lol sigh. thats great.. i need to buy some cookies or something..

And figure out something for food at work.. so later.

2010-08-16T14:38:00.001-07:00

Today im feeling slightly depressed, i feel like i really am just wasting my life one day at a time. I miss my grandma, i feel like once i get things right they just go wrong again. Dont get me wrong, im restless i realize this im better off then a lot of people but i dont feel like im getting anywhere..

Im 25.. and im alone all the time, i have like 2 friends. The rest arnt really friends, no one hangs out with me, nothing. I dont see anyone. I wish i had something to do.

Pain

2010-08-07T13:43:00.001-07:00

I have not been to work in two days, why you ask? The worst tooth infection on the planet. I went to see my dentist, and he gave me viccoden, he also said to take 800 mlgs of IB Profane with it as well, along with the antibiotics i was taking, which worked for all of half a day, then i started getting super nauseated and i would throw up due to im assuming was all the Tylenol i was getting. So i cut out all the IB Profane and took perqaset instead. Which didn't do anything for the pain which is weird being its for pain and its twice as strong as the viccoden is. It didn't take to long to get out of my system my grandpa gave me his viccoden the next morning (after a long night of having to deal with the pain) so i didn't en up taking to much meds, his viccoden doesn't have any Tylenol in it, and it is stronger. One of those, no pain, no nausea nada .. I feel so my better

Anyhow that means im back to work today, I did how ever sleep wrong on my shoulder last night, so im sore lol.. I cant get a break huh? Well, its better then having my whole mouth being in utter throbbing pain i suppose. My dentist wants 2800 for a root cannal plus a crown, and a filling for the bottom tooth and some vitimin injections my insurance will only cover 1500 im already out of insurance money.. so this would come from my own pocket.

My grandpas taking me down to USC on Monday to get Xrayed and such, because it will only be around 1000 for everything i need done, and opposed to the 2800 which i just can afford.. ever. as is im going to need help with the 1000, but i can pay 550 of it, and my gpa would pitch in the rest and i would just have to pay him back.. So realizing that its hard for me making the kind of money i make to do this, im going to make sure i take 4 classes at school, so i can make a little more with my financial aid and give him half of that, then the other half id keep for school supplies. I realize how hard 4 classes is going to be, but i really dont have a lot of options right now, i need to get a better paying job. I LOVE my job, but even if i wanted to advance in my current job id need to get a degree. So thats what im doing. Im also not going to do rein fair in October, that will save me money and this wy i can go on one good vacation in December (which i will need) instead of trying to afford two of them when i really cant.

Thats it for now, im feeling kind of sick i still have to get ready for work tonight and i have to return some movies before i head in.. Night

2010-07-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I had a strange dream last night. I was at work, well it seemed liked my store but it wasnt really, This manager Penny was there, and Kevin was there. We were all talking and kevin was being mean to me saying his normal stuff " Oh the stores gone to hell sense ive gone" You miss everythign kind of joking around, only this time Penny agreed with him. Lol. So anyhow i yell at him tell him im tired of him treating me that way and go into the other room and start crying.. A few later he comes in and asks me whats wrong, hes like you know i dont think that stuff .. Im only kidding with you, why else would i have baked you a birthday cake? and brought ice cream. He sits in a chair beside me and penny comes in were all talking and he secretly takes my hand, and starts rubbing it.

It was a weird dream. lol I guess i just feel like if it were going to happen it would of already. And i know that. Which in my mind sucks, becuase i think hes awesome, but then again maybe we would have been horrible together? who knows. I got what i wanted once, to an extent, and for that to happen again im sure wouldnt be in the cards, seeing how luck only comes around once and a while.
....I wish he just would see me that way but then again, thats life.. and a lot of girls have the same problem.

Happy 76th Birthday grandma

2010-07-13T08:41:00.001-07:00

I cant belive its already been 7 months sense you've passed away, its seems like yesterday to me. I've tired to forget it, but it always seems to come back at random times. I'll be doing something, and wish you were here to yell at me, and argue with me over it. I will be smelling the flowers in the grocery stores and think of you, and how you loved buying them..

The ruff times at the end, where you kept telling me that if anything happened you wanted me to have your wedding ring, and i would counter by telling you that you werent going anywhere.. Sometimes i think you knew that it was going to be soon, I could sense the saddness and anxiety in your soul and see it in your eyes. Sometimes I feel like grandpa just doesnt think about it, so it wont hurt so much and i wish i could do the same. I felt like you were always going to be here with me, I remember telling someone once that i didnt know how i would ever live with out you around. You would be 76 today, and you wouldnt want anything planned and if i got you a cake youd fret over it.

Id buy you a card with your money becuace im always broke, and youd love it just the same. You were always the one bailing me out of things, when i wanted to come home from hawaii you said come home, when i wanted to come home from reno there was no hesitation. I always felt like i was a burden but i know i wasnt, You loved having us around. Im trying to be the person you think i am, and its hard.

Im trying to make you proud every day of my life, but sometimes its hard. In a little while, Im going to go visit you.. Ive had my reservations this will be the first time sense you've passed on but my mind and body wont let me rest. And i did buy you some pretty flowers .. It would be a shame if you didnt have them.. I dont know if anyone else will visit you today but i will, becuase i miss you and love you very much. Your my rock.

2010-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

I had a really vivid dream this moring. I was at my old house in south gate and it was myself and this girl i didnt know but her names was Jennifer. We were in the front room working on something scientific, and i see a huge black doge lifted truck pull into the driveway, and then another one behind that, soon there are four of these things around the house. Im yelling at this girls, Jennifer we need to go! i say this five times before she drops the stuff and we both run out the back door and head for the left side of the house..

Little do we know one of the guys (we think bad guy guys) is watching that side of the house so we dont get out, I see him and drop to the ground and hide, Jennifer behind me just stands off to the side, he walks up closer and sees us but there is a fence between him and us and instead of running to the other side we jump the fence to the left of us that dived the house in to the next yard and keep runing.

I woke up after this, but i remember being so pumped when i work up lol. I have my 25th bday is 7 days, which means my grandmothers birthday if she were still with us would be a week after. I prmised to go visit her on her 76th, and i will. This will be the first year without her. Last year, i threw her a bday party/BBQ and she was surprised and really happy. It was a really good, last bday for her. I had a nice cake made and everything. Family came over, we all hung out and gave her presents it was fun.

This year im going to visit her grave, and bring her flowers because she likes them so much. For my bday im going to try and have a relaxing bday.

2010-06-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

Why is it, every time i meet someone whos cute fun and interesting they either work with me, thusly unavalible or they have a girlfriend? I had bad luck or what? lol. The guy i see from time to time has commitment issues, which is to bad, and is always letting me know if i find someone else just to tell him and will end it. So great.

Yet, hes alright with not having sex. But he wants to hang out and be all cutesy with me, makes sense right? Yea tottally. Lol. Sigh.

Its not the end of the world, i still get to talk to my crushes, flirt with them i just cant have anything outside of that. One day im sure i will get what im looking for, really right now im just working on getting a degree a decent job that affords me enough to get my own decent one bedroom apartment all by myself and live comfterablly.. thats all i want right now. Sure, donw the line a house would be nice maybe a family. But right now? My own soldarity my own place would be great.

There all so cute to. Ones way to hot for words, the other is adorable and tall dark and handsome type .. the other is constantly a surprise.

2010-06-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

Its Nearing my 25th birthday, and what have i come to accomplish in my 25 years? Not a whole lot. Sure, im making progress on lossing weight, but i need to make progress with school. Not only that, but i really want to move out and be on my own. I hate living with other people, i love having my own freedom, its great. So, I realize not only with todays economy that this is hard, but it isint uncommen and i realize it may be awhile before it happens and i may have to suck it up until then, but small steps i guess.

So i guess the first step is to make more money with work, and how do i achive this? School of course, wich i am only avaraging one class a semester. I need to step it up and stop being a pansy. I need to go to my counsueler and work out a plan so i can get my AA and then transfer to a university, Maybe riverside, im thinking that moving out there would be more bennifical finacelly, Maybe i can get a job in the law enforcemt feild (without being an offer) while im going to school, to get my foot futher in the door, or i can always stay with target and try and move up in that department, i do enjoy my job. That of cours is an option. I just feel like, i cant stay with my grandpa forever, it will drive me absoulty insane. lol. I wish my grandmother were here, she was like the buffer between us, not thats she gone, no buffer. Sigh.

Of course i wish she were around for more then just to be my buffer, but im just sayin! Anyhow. After i pay off my finacel aid, im going to take three classes and make it work, i know people who have taken 16 units and worked 36 hours. If they can do that, i can do three classes. Algebra, english and whatever else i need thats going to be easir, like a cake class for my two harder ones, i have to take an art class ect. so maybe i will do that? i dont know, see if i can get into photgraphy.

Anyhow, I have to work tonight, im slightly pissed off today, lol so fun times!

today

2010-06-10T13:16:00.001-07:00

Im blogging because i havnt in a while, and its good for me to be able to talk about whatever is going on in my life, although there is not a lot. Im still losing weight, I wish i could run but im honestly afraid of over doing it and passing out at the gym in front of all those people.. So for now, no running.. I have been walking fast enough to get a sweat going after im done biking, and im doing it for 30 mins, and i bike for 30 mins. Id really like to try to rowing machine i just dont know how it works lol.

Kevin is suppose to be leaving in two weeks, :( of course he was suppose to be leaving over a month ago so i guess we will see what is going on with that. Im still seeing anthony, still going to school i feel like im not doing enough school wise so if i can pass two classes this coming semester then the following i will up it to three and i hope that i will be able to graduate before im 30. lol. Im still not sure what i want to do though, in my career field choice. Its a hard choice to make, and i guess i will eventually figure it out. Other then that, My 25th birthday is fast approching, that also means my grandmothers 76th birthday is fast approching, and i made a promise to myself that i would visit her grave and bring her flowers. Its not going to be easy for me, it still isint easy for me not having her here to make things better and tell me that its ok and i can always come home to her.

Thats it for now

Communication

2010-05-10T19:51:00.001-07:00

I recently have reconnected with a few people in my life, i guess if it was a good idea in the long run will show later down the road.. Fun. :) My grandpa heads off to Germany for two weeks tomorrow, My relay is this weekend, and then next weekend its Vegas.

Anthony .. Well im not really interested in him much theses days because he has no time for me, so i don't have time for him. He's like, are you just making excuse’s because your seeing someone else? LOL wtf? we aren't even dating, i tore into him. He's like, well aren't you feisty today.. I told him it wasn't that, im stressed. In the long run he doesn't care, as long as he get’s what he wants, he is good. Funny how that works sometimes? Makes me want to run into his arms and tell him to “use me” and tell him how much i appreciate it… and if you believe that i have a bridge to sell you.

Impasse

2010-04-27T13:37:00.001-07:00

Just frustrated with my currant situation, with school and with dating. I am passing my class, barely, you would think it wouldnt be so difficult for me to pass one class but it is. This makes me feel like a retard.

Dating someone i really dont see, and its positively depressing. I have vegas and him at the end of the month and i guess thats going to be the test if we actuially will be dating longer then we have been the problem is i like him i think hes a good person but i dont feel like he really wants to date me.

Relay For Life

2010-04-21T19:32:00.001-07:00

She called me selfish because being Team captain and already have an original design in place for out team shirts I wanted to go with that instead of a suggestion made from Malia, which although a good idea, wasnt something i had wanted, I will not be bullied by lelani. I told her i respected the idea, and he feelings but this is something that i had been thinking about for a while, and seeing how i put this together, i think i will stay with the original idea. She got irritated by this. I wont let anyone step over me, She thinks im being selfish because i wont put names on a shirt, well i hate to tell everyone but a name on a shirt does not validate the person being gone, it wont bring them back. The relay is in remembrance, from your memory, its in celebration of the surviors, and its in Hope of a future without cancer, you dont have to be a name on a shirt for that to mean something.

When other people do relays, they do it in remebrance of a person they care for, and thats why they run, that why i wanted to put this together for my grandmother. Thus, her names is the only name id like on the shirt, along with the team names, and the definition of Hope.. Everyones names will be on the front to personalize it and i think it will be nice. But excuses me for fucking thinking that.

Orange Belt

2010-04-14T14:15:00.001-07:00

So Monday at kempo i finally got my orange belt, which is way over due, seeing how i should of had it two months ago but i was sick for a month and missed a lot. So, Now my purple is next, which means black Gi, no longer a white one.

Which is pretty cool, but its expensive so maybe i will have it by then end of my 6 months at kempo, because after that, i will only be going for one week a month. I just cant afford it right now. Then after 6 moths, and Fiji has passed then i can get back to it.

Anyhow, thats about it i guess, i have to pass algebra im hanging on by a thread. Sigh, well so math isn't my strong suit.

3 more pounds!

2010-03-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

So. I dont usually disclose my weight, as well its not what i want it to be so why would i? So I will right now becuase im actuially proud and well i want to show my progress..

So Last November i was 273. (gross i know)
Then January hit, and i weighted myself for the first time (The end of jan)

I was at 250. (23 pounds lost!)

Now its March ..

I am at 247 (3 More pounds down!)

So .. My first goal i achieved .. :) Now I need a second one...

Ok, So Ive decided my second goal is going to be

225.. So I have 22 pounds to my next goal!

Lets see if i can do it.. I hope I can achieve this by July of this year my 25th birthday... Im going to be stopping Kempo i wont be renewing it i cant afford it, BUT. I still have my gym member ship and i wont let the training i still have left go to waste .. Or Any of the things I have learned from them, I hope that once i get my raise and such i can get back to it again. I do actually enjoy it.

I guess will see if i can do this .. Im tired of being tired.

2010-03-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ive almost hit my 6 month mark for my year goal of not cutting my hair .. It went a lot quicker then i would of liked, meaning my birthday is fast approaching! I will be 25, Feels old.. lol. But i know it is not.

Im actually pretty neverous about going to kempo tonight, the last time i went i had shooting pains my my chest, and i thought it was really bad indigestion, which it still could be because it took only a few and some fresh air to feel better. Neverless, Im still scared, I know im losing weight but i guess it feels like its not enough, i should be working harder, but then i cant because i dont want to have a heart attack.. lol

So im going to let Ian know that i need to take it easy until i can get to the doctor and he can tell me whats going on, and either fix it or deal with it. I do miss it, Ive come to love fighting.. Its, Amazing.. Refreshing. I like feeling bad ass. ;P lol even just a little bit.. It helps my confidence.

My grandma told me that i would always be a big girl, and i guess.. Im trying to prove her wrong by making her proud. I wasnt always a big girl. Ive always been tall yes, but fat no. That happened because of my mother and father and my need to eat to cover up the horrible pain they caused me when i was growing up, the need to fill the empty void. Well guess what, I dont have that need anymore, the only empty void in me was left my my grandma when she died. She is the most important thing to me. I hope she knew that.

So. Im doing this weight loss thing for me, and for her. Is that so bad? I want to .. Stun people, I want to prove that im more then what they think i am. I want to be beautiful to me, On the outside as well as the inside, and healthy. I want to be healthy and active.

2010-01-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

Ive been having a lot of dreams with my grandmother in them, usually the places varrey but the out come is the same, myself my grandfather and brother are worried because shes wondered off somewhere and we cant find here, everyone thinks shes died, Theres crying and heart ache but then right at the end of my dream she comes back and i give her a hug and dont let go.

This time it was a house on the beach, i run through the sand and i give her a hug and cry, and tell her how worried everyone had been and then thats all, and i wake up. I woke up this morning with tears rolling doown my cheek, i wasnt sad but in my dream i had been crying and thats how i woke up.

Their not every night, but its at least once a week.

Ive decited to do a walk for the american cancer society in her name in May, wish me luck.

2009-12-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

I want to say that Christmas without my grandmother was ruff, but honestly it was one of the better ones that our family has had. What is ruff, is the day to day, knowing that she's not around anymore for the simple little things. It is not very fun, and i find myself at time in random places just sad and wishing that it were different knowing that it cant be. I feel like i really dont have clouser but then, will i ever?

So Ive decited on a goal of mine for the new year, not a resolution because those dont work and are worthless in my book, just a simple goal that i know will be no problem to do, and wont cost anything.

Im not cutting my hair, No more hair salon trips which will be cost affective. Im only going to do a trim, in the middle of the year so July my bday for the dead ends and some shapping and thats it. I just miss my long hair and its been a long time im in need of some change. Still, no dying it either and ive done well with that im sure i saved some cash from it.

Ive been sad, noot only becuase of the stress of losing my grandma but the daily stresses, money, romance my goals.

Goal one was to lose wieght. Well im on my way to that, and have started losing, this is a goal a few years in the making so it wont be over night but im getting there.

Goal two, school. Also doing that, also a slow process.

Goal three, going backpaking in ireland/scottland .. (That is going to take a lot of saving) This is the goal i havnt started yet, so the most current one i need to work on. Just means i have to be moore frugle with my money which i know i can do just sucks, but the outcome will be an amazing three weeks.

--------------

The romance well thats none -exsistant right now which sucks, but i cant really do much about it.

Ethched In Stone, Broken in Glass

2009-12-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

On dec 12th 2009 I parked my car in the driveway, and walked up the four steps into my house and was greeted by tears. My grandmother, had passed away maybe 15-20 mins before i got there. Ive been crying for three days, hell im tearing up now. Its beyond hard for me, im sure its hard for other people in my family to but, it feels like ive lost my best friend. I feel like, If i had just stayed home like i wanted to i could have talked to her one last time, but there will always be "what if i hads" And there cant be, only the " what ive done" "what weve goone through" The past now. I knew it would happen one day, i guess still in the back of my mind i figured shed beat the cancer and live forever, becuase she was invincible in my eyes, as she will countune to be for the next few lifetimes. There are lots of things, you wish you say more to the people you care about that you never realize were so important until one day, they just arnt there to hear you.

"I love you, and Im sorry. The Your really my world, and you dont even know it. "

It doesnt even feel real, its like shes just away right now but will be back in no time.. The emptyness in the house, the coldness is just trapping and constricting. I talked to my aunt the other day, and realized a few things. I feel like, Ive been envaded .. I feel like, im not getting the proper time, just to be sad and be away from everyone before they go and change everything. I feel like, its all to quick. Its not their faults, they are who they are and i realize that things do, need to change.

But the simplest things. Like "accedently" knocking over the christmas tree i worked so hard on for her, and she was so happy to have, which accedents happen .. but then just leaving it there like its not a big deal, well it was to me. I feel like its all way to harshfor me, and the attutuied i get from it is, well my opion does really .. in the long run make much inpact. I will always be the grand daughter in their eyes, adopted but not the daughter. Well i have news, I am one of the daughters, and im upset. Its not sympathy i want, but understanding, and respect. I feel like, respect wise ive been treaded on, and thats just the harsh reality of family.

Today is the day

2009-09-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today is the day i stop letting enablers lead my life, I start following through with my goals. Today is the day i take steps to make my life better, my weight. I get in shape, today. Today's the day i deiced to not accept anything but the best, to not accept the excuses i give myself.

Today i deiced to make it work.

I wanted to be viewed as someone who would not be the victum in society today, and i found out that my class and my professor view me as someone that would noot be the victum. Becuase i give off a certian confedence, and prowless when im out, I give direct eye contact, i dont look like i back down. I will, if i have to fight. I may not win, but the hell with backing down, Im going too try.

I will not idilly stand by why someone just kills, rapes,robes me. I will be the percent that fights back. I will take my life, for all its worth and fight for it, becuase its my right as a human being to have it and NO one will take that right away from me.

2009-08-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

Last night i went out to the pub with a friend.. we had just gotten back from a Two day one night vacation up in solvang.. Santa barbra area. So were off to the pub after i get a shot at the docters and were talking in the car. I mention that it would be great to see this one guy who ive had a little crush on ever sense i first met him a few months back maybe 5? Not sure. He rarely comes out to kariokee but he lives right acrossed the street pretty much. So we get there, and hes there. Im thinking that was a sign and my hormones are already through the roof without the casuial flirting from him... When he sings, it has to be the sexyest thing i have ever herd.

So he sings, and we talk in little spurts throught the night and when it comes time to go not that i wanted to really go .. lol my friend hugs him goodybye then i do. He holds on to me that extra second over a friendly hug limit.. His grip is, really strong he pulled me right into him and i have to say if i had of pulled away i would of probably still been there. There are two majore problems with having this crush on him.

Age. Hes 39 im 24
And avalability I belive he has a girlffriend, at least he did the last time we talked im not sure if it changed. Hes like well im playing with my band here, tomorrow if you guys are interested .. So that were im going to be. I wonder if he remebers flristing with me a few months back .. he says he remebers everything i want to test that, i also want to do a test and see if he will notice me.

2009-08-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

I told myself i would start being more healthy and I had been going good .. then i got lazy. The eating right is all good, i dont eat crappy food. I just have a hard time sticking with the gym i do love going .. but the lazy kicks in. So I am focing myself up in the morning, which will only be irriating until i have my first cup of coffee .. then the gym, and then work. Its like the song "I want you to want me"

well i also want me to want me. lol sunds wierd, but it works.

the man

2009-08-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

I wonder when i will completely lose my mind? No, not like "I wonder when i will become insane and irrational" but when will i become so over whelmed with this feeling that i just break all the rules and make it happen. Now dont get me wrong, this is not me complaining that i "cant have the guy i like" Its not even me obsessing, there are some factors involved that make this person pop up in my daily activities. We just happen to work for the same company, which is unfortunite becuase of the fact that, if we werent i know id have more then a chance with him. I take this, and i dont think of it as a lost hope but as a challenge to my will and pateints. Being around him, he makes me smile. Makes me want to learn and do new things, has this uncanny ablity to ready my mind and is getting very sensitive to my moods. If im mad, he knows it first and usually he knows why before i tell him.

He backs me and my opions, and if he doesnt agree with me he just says so and doesnt back down. He has the most amazing eyes, hes really goofy and fumbles a lot, hes not aslways ellaquint, bascilly a mans man ... Eats and drinks way to much, but is in shape, randomly screams out phrases when in publc places and plays pranks on his co workers. A a matter of fact when i first met him, i didnt like him to much i felt he was a jack ass but quickly learned that hes not and that is just how he is with new people it thins the herd. A decent human being, they are hard to find.

did i mention hes absolutly sexy? the sleepy grogy voice he has when he hasnt had much sleep, the sexy laugh and taunting look he gets when you both know more then whats actuially being said.

He drives me insane, the mans freaking irrisistable and i have to try and resitist.

2009-07-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Although i wish i could date him, i understand and accept that works work, and i wouldnt want to mess that up. Even though i cant i still find myself flirting. I wonder some times if he notices? Does he notice i do my make up so my eyes stand out in hope ofo catching his attention? I always smell good, have great breath i try to not let the little things be the ones i over look. Really he makes me laugh, and i havnt been doing tha much becuase of stress and i dont know when ive laughed as much when im around him.

Im not jaded, and i know there are a million girls out there that he could be interested in, so why would he be in me? Well. why not?

Im great, and if not then its not like id have anything to regret becuase hed make, and is starting to slowly be a good friend, AND i need more of those. Schools starting soon, and im going to be stressed as is, without worrying about dating someone and i really dont want to mess this up by being impatient and not understanding, again i like my job i dont want to ruien that either.

everyday i get to have him notice me in a new way, and maybe make an impression that will be a good one.

2009-07-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

" He makes me want to be a better person, And make life happen"
-"You are a god person, so all you need is to make things happen"
" Exactly"

Ive been taking life to heart as of late, I new it would happen eventually on my own time one day i would want something more. So Ive finally really, got my school stuff together getting ready to register for classes at college. Its been a long time that ive been in this weird rut and thats the only word i have for it, a rut. Its a strange windy world we live in sometimes, i never thought that the path i would eventuially go down would be the one that has got my heart racing, excited. It makes sense i imagen with my parents being who they are, with the world i know and grew up in.

Drugs, sex, desperation all the things a little gril should never be privy to. I wake up every day, and i put on some music and i dance. All i want to be coursing threw my veins and i know that i want to be a person that helps this world be a little better day by day.

And i want the man i end up falling in love with to be the same kind of person, someone who wants all the child abuseers, the murders, the shoplifters and so forth to pay for what they do, having consaquence for their actions.

God knows ive seen so many never go threw it.

2009-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

Should i be getting out more? Should i be laying out in the sand on the beach, getting sun relaxing more? Is yoga the only stress de-compressing i need right now? I feel like i could be doing more, but im not, im hid away in this whole that is my apartment just being lazy, other then work school yoga, the cleaning, and the other little things. I mean not lazy as in not active, but socially lazy. I should be out in the sun. Maybe.

Ive never been a huge ocean person but laying in the sun sounds like fun. just laying there, not ding anything with the water. lol. tho i need to get my ipod charger.. i oonly have power metal on their until i do, which is fine. just noto lazying around beach music i guess.

Im trying not to stress, the other night i just broke down and then got a budget toogether, and it made me feel better, to knw that it is possible too pay everything off even tho it will be tight for the next five months, i can do it. Keeping myself busy with work, and dential, and then getting all my school stuff together, so i can start its been way to long, and i cant put it off for much longer.

Its hard too let people down, hell its even harder when they are related to you. Ive learned from past experinces, that sometimes you have to let people down to make it to the next day. And maybe, one day you will have the oppertunity to prove yourself to that person again if they/you deem it worthy to try. Recently, i had to pretty much let someone down. Out of my life, cut and dry and it was hard but honestly? They were bringing so much stress, drama and pure exsaperation and chaos into my life that cutting that one person took this huge weight off my shoulders. Maybe one day they will be part of my life again, but honestly its not going to happen until they grow up, and i wont be swayed.

Ive cut my father out of my life, and pretty much my mother. Ive kept the people that are important to me in it, the ones who have been their for me, no matter what has happen, the ones that would still be their for me. Like it is with friends, sometimes you have to realize that everyone isint going to be active in your life all the time, and its probably for the best.

Everyday i wake up and i start over, I try to live in it without regret, speak my mind, move forward and not behind. I try to laugh, have fun and be responcible all at once. Why not? Lifes hard enough without adding regert ect.

So I will keep trying until i get it right, for myself.

2009-07-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

I know it happens to many people, but it happened last night. I was with a pretty awesome guy, super cute, really sweet, and instead of thinking about him i was thinking about someone else.. Alright .. Im not dating this guy, so it doesnt really matter but the guy i was thinking about is someone i think i will have an absurd crush on for the rest of my life. lol. Its already been like.. 2 years? or three. im not sure. But thats a long time. I dont know what it is, hes just adorible. I dont actuially think anything will ever come from it, but secretly i always wanted it to. Someone who actuially gives a shit.

But right now men arnt my prime focuse, which is good ... finially. Prioritys. but hes still fun to adore :)

2009-06-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

Its always interesting when you meet people that will help you change in life, someone who helps you become more of the person you will eventually be when your older. Someone that will push you to be better, that will shoot the shit with you, someone who makes you feel like a woman, not a child. Whos interested in things you do, who respects you.

I know that he may not be the love of my life, but i know somehow he will impact it. He may be one small step to the love of a lifetime, or he may be someone i end up caring about i dont know, what i do know is that i have to try and wait, and work on myself and be patient in the process..

its hard, but im trying to improve life, and maybe one day he will be in it to.

here and now

2009-06-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Here is the place i write in secret, the thoughts and actions i dont want anyone else to be aware of. Theres slight possibilitys that they will stumble upon my words, unless so directed by impure actions.

Its been a hard week, stress. The daily surprises, and hardships but im alive, and making slight progress, which is better then not. My insurance, my 401 k everything is all set up now, giving me more peace of mind.

Ive been working out budgest for next august, oh how i would love to experenice that vacation. I have to put away about 350 a month for the next 9 months, to be able to go but it would be worth it. That means, other then my basic bills, gas and medical that means the dentist, no more just randomly buying things. That and i hope, with the direction of my next doctoor to acoplish the lap band.

I know what your thinking, its the lazy weight loss solution, for some yes. The ones who want it for actuial health reasons, not. My knee has been giving me more problems, my anixiety levels are insane, and if i blow my knee out there goes my career. I work out, i eat healthy i do things. I want to be more active but i need help. I dont know why i can lose it.

I worry about diebites when im older, heart problems, breathing problems i worry about this stuff. And with my insurance covering it i think it would be well worth it.

I dont care what everyone else thinks, judge me or not. I need to be healthy and change the quality of my life.

And it starts .. and it flows

2009-05-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Every days a new adventure, You think that it couldnt possibly work. As he smiles at you, and flirts with you. As he fumbles, when hes speaking to you. You constantly want to make him proud of you, which is a new feeling. You constantly seek to have him look at you, the way he does when no one's looking. The slight, and maybe silly, sexy, blod yet shy look in his eyes. The knowing.

The knowing is what kills you sometimes, but then again pactinece has never been your strong suiet, and he already knows, so half the battle is done. So you live life, and move on for now. Making sure he keeps noticing you, only slightly while you do what you have to do to make yourself happy..

And You have to admit, that making yourself happy, and getting your shit together isint half bad. :) You make new friends, flirt with cute barbacks, and work your ass off to be the person you are inside, the person that only a few people can see. They dont really know you, they wish they had that knowlage, the kind that only you have. The kind that one day, someone in your life will have as well. But until then, you rock and roll.

Becuase when you stop improving upon your life, when you stop careing.. thats the day that something is horribly wroong and you need to re evealuate what you want in life.

Moved Out

2009-05-12T15:32:00.001-07:00

Ive been moved out for about three days now. Its been really quite, And Ive had a lot of sleep. It feels like it should feel i guess, i mean thats all i wanted. To have my own space, and i got it. Ive applied for my Fasfa and school, so i hope to make the deadline and to start soon.

I work out a lot, go out. Try to have some variety.

Then theirs the guy. :: meh ::

I tell my friends that if he doesnt see how great you are to move on, yet i still have that little voice in the back of my head saying its all bs.

I know, that im worth it. I know, that when it happens it will be awesome. Im tired of meaningless sex, honestly. Im not saying im giving it up, but im deffinitly not going to have any booty calls. And anyone who just wants that is not worth my time regardless.

I dont need your imput, frankly i could care less. I have life to live, and a guy to stop thinking about, and due to the fact that i work with him, all the time thats going to be harder then it should.

If one door closes, then punch a hole in the wall and make a fucking new one yourself. Hm. Its to bad, becuase i dont think he realizes what hes missing out on. But then again, i dont blame him at all. The whole reason i didnt want to say anything in the first place was becuase its not a great idea.

But honestly? Fuck that. :) Im great. And im not the type to sit aroound and wait for him to maybe "come to his senses" becuase its his choice after all, and we are all entiltled to like or dislike who we do.

And i cant help who i like or dislike either. I just always like the wrong ones, thats what happens when you like strong, blunt, agressive men.

Sometimes its a miss, and sometimes its a win. Just never know.

Unsettled

2009-03-12T13:49:00.001-07:00

Im not sure what to do.

Patience .. Is Hard to Learn.

2009-03-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

I need to learn how persistence, how to not lose the fire and drive that i know i have deep in my heart. I need to learn that i have no limitations, that if i work hard i will with Patience get to the places that i want to be in. I have so much to give, i have so much to learn the hardest step is facing it, and realizing it.

I want to be better, i see how not doing anything with my life wont get me the places or things that i need to survive in this world.

I want to go to Europe, i want to take photos, maybe one day i'll have my own site, and sell them. That's what i want to do in retirement. Just take photos, sell, give them away. Do some free stuff for worthy organizations. But i cant get to that point, until i reach the first step..

That would be taking the first step.. my birthdays not to far away, it gets closer, i need to keep at it. I need to not lose faith in myself. Because im all i have in this world. In the end, the people and friends, the boyfriends past .. they arnt what makes me me. I am what makes me... me and i can change and adjust me to fit what goals i have in the future. Because i am an army of one, literally. Its clesay, but it really makes sense.