I love the rain and I love how it makes me feel. I always feel better when it rains, the rain seems to wash away all the impurities in the world and bring a sense of calm and relaxation into play. I have to do some real thinking about what it is that I want, as an adult isn’t compromise a part of it? There are things that I want to do and things that I want out of life. I am always thinking about other people before myself, but shouldn’t I just think about me for a change? It’s hard to do. There are relationships and people that I have missed; there are experiences I want to enjoy. Yet here I am wasting it away one day at a time. Well, I am going to school and working which is a good thing, I think I took one step in the right direction today I applied for a student credit card through my bank. I like my boyfriend but is he going to be someone that is in my life for a short amount of time? Or a longer amount of it? Shouldn’t I be alright with not knowing? Haha I always want to know whats in store for me, and I guess the reason I have been stressed is my own fault. I have been going back into the adam mindset, the forever with the one you like mindset. Im only 26, I have a lot of time to wait for my forever and I should compromise what I want so I can get it sooner rather then wait.

I have an awesome boyfriend, a job and a place to live. I don’t pay billions in rent, I have my own bathroom and bedroom I have it pretty good. I have my own car. Yet, I am not happy. I feel as if something is missing from my life I feel a little lost, a little less than an adult which I am. That is the things, I am an adult but I don’t feel as if I am one. I guess I should say that I think there is a difference between being an adult, and then being an independent adult. I hate living pay check to pay check with little security. I don’t have any money in my savings; I have no way of supporting myself if something should happen to my grandpa without his help. I need to come up with a plan and budget and stick to it. I can’t keep just spending like I do, I need to have some kind of plan which will allow me to save money and have a decent amount by the end of the year. I think if I could accomplish that, I can start to accomplish my other dreams. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am ready to be more self-sufficient. I don’t want to keep living off my grandpa I want him to be able to vacation and have a nice rest of his retirement. I do not make enough money right now, to feasibly live on my own. I figured it out, and if I worked 32 hour weeks I would need to make about 13.00 an hour to live on my own. I make.. 10.90 right now. So my first goal is to make that much with my job, I am going to start trying harder, stop fooling around as much. If that doesn’t help at my current job then I will as time goes by with this one and I gain more experience try to find something else that will help me meet my goal. I am going to work out every paycheck, and come up with money for my bills and grandpa and then set aside a little for gas and food. The rest needs to be put away. I can allow myself a little for fun. But I mean really? At least until my birthday I have no other fun things I need other than possibly fair but I have until May for that and I might just do something else with my boyfriend instead of that this year. Honestly I am not over being hurt by chris to go running back to fair, I like my boyfriend but I am not strong enough to see that I really liked that boy. So I guess I have some goals, I want to start reading again. I am going to get dressed and get to work early so I can pick up a book or two before. I need to organize my homework a little better for next week; I need to do stuff in life. I want to make sure I do at least one chore a day. I am still sick, so I need to kick this sickness before I can completely be good to go. But there are still things I can do in the mean time.

First month anniversary with Andrew

He wants to do something for it, it is on the 11th of this month, I won’t be off work until 930pm on that night but he still would like to do something. He is the sweetest guy I have ever known. So I decided sense its customary to give gifts (even though V-day is right around the corner and I bought him and I tickets for his gift) I thought I would so something sweet, and inexpensive to show him I care that we made it to a month so far. In his room he has a photo copy of his hand, lol, he told me he “high fives it” when he wants to get pumped before work or the day (yes this is my boyfriend haha). So I thought, that I would take a photo of my mouth (which he loves) puckering up in some red lipstick, I sent it to target to be printed in a 5x7 (which only cost me 1.50 or so maybe less) I am going to the craft store where ever and get some scrapbook paper with a cool design on it (which will be under 50 cents for one) and I will buy a simple 8x10 frame for it plain black. I will put the photo towards the bottom, and I will write him a little message on the top portion of the paper… something sweet like “Kiss me every day to bring a smile to your heart and face” something cute he can put up on his wall by his “high five hand” … I hope he likes it, and if I know him which I am starting too I think he will like it. : ) ..I hope he doesn’t read this but I wonder how do you tell someone that you have only been seeing for a month, that you think you are … is it possible that you might be… falling for them? Like, I mean… in… you know, *sigh* the big L word.. I am kind of concerned I mean I started getting this feeling 2 dates ago and it has yet to go away, it just gets bigger and each time I kiss him I want to tell him but I feel like it might freak him out, because it does me a little.. What do I do? What is there to do… accept it and hope he does not think I am insane I suppose.

So for those of you who know, I have had a lot of things happen pain wise, and doctors would always prescribe me viccoden for it. Which it did help, but after a while it stops helping and your tolerance goes up. Well I have hit this point, and I know that even though I havnt been using it for years, like some people there will be a detox period once I stop which is tonight. It doesn’t help the pain, chiropractor helps but not for long, so I will be talking to my doctor about some alternative methods because I don’t really like taking this crap anyhow. I am slightly nervous because I reading the symptoms for detoxing from it and it says it causes anxiety which I used to have and have sense gotten rid of! So, pray that it doesn’t cause this. I will start up on some Ibphrophen and I have been icing my neck, so that should help with the headaches. It says it only takes 4/5 days and it might be even less because I have not had it as long. But I will do this tomorrow and then make an appointment for Monday, or Tuesday with my doctor and see what he has to say about it, maybe I can get an xray or something and see whats going on in there. I think everything will be peachy I am just a little worried that detoxing will be super hard, but nothing that a young person like I cant handle right? Also need to get back to the dentist because I have had some pain in my back tooth, she needs to do a root canal ew.